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volume XCVI number 46 «+ the official student newspaper at the university of alberta « « thursday, 6 april, 2006 



MY FOOD IS PROBLEMATIC Many residence students have expressed concerns over the value of Aramark services. 

Listerites submit petition over Aramark 

Photo Editor 

The Lister Hall Students’ Association 
(LHSA) has sent an open letter to the 
University administration outlin- 
ing a grocery list of complaints Lister 
residents have about the food service 
available to them. 

LHSA President-elect Michael 
Janz used the petition to solidify a 
number of ongoing concerns regard- 
ing the quality, cost and nutrition 
value of food available through the 
cafeteria and convenience store oper- 
ated by Aramark, in an effort to open 
up dialogue between the LHSA, the 
University and the Students’ Union. 

“We were fed up, and wanted to give 

students a chance to give their feedback 
constructively,” said Janz. “Year after 
year, students are frustrated but aren’t 
able to express their frustrations.” 

By capturing student dissatisfaction, 
Janz hopes that this initiative will give 
students an opportunity to advocate 
for new residence food provisions. 

“Students find the food too expen- 
sive, and they don’t want to eat the food 
they are provided with. They want to 
cook for themselves,” Janz said, rein- 
forcing the main points of his letter. 
“Tt’s expensive to eat well, and to eat a 
well-balanced diet, with Aramark.” 

Part of the petition, distributed to 
Lister students Tuesday night, includes 
a proposal for a “cooking meal plan,” 
which would see students pay between 

$200 and $500 for a meal plan, as 
opposed to the current mandatory 
range of $1800 to $3800. 

Students’ Union Vice-President 
(Student Life) Justin Kehoe voiced his 
approval of Janz’s proposal, but was 
wary of its feasibility. 

“If the students en masse are vocal- 
izing their support for a reduction 
of that minimum, then that gets us 
into the realm what exactly is in the 
contract [between the University and 
Aramark], and whether $1800 is the 
absolute minimum,” he said. 

According to Kehoe, Aramark’s rela- 
tionship with the U of A extends back 
to 1994, and the University’s contract 
with Aramark was renewed last year. 


Klein, Hancock 
resignations leave 
PSE up in the air 

Deputy News Editor 

The provincial Conservatives will have 
a new leader by the end of this year as 
Premier Ralph Klein, who had origi- 
nally planned to resign in October 
2007, announced he’ll submit a letter 
of resignation in September. 

And though there won't be a new 
leader for months, there has already 
been change within the Cabinet, as 
members are resigning to run in the 
leadership race. 

Despite nearing the end of a drawn 
out postsecondary review, Advanced 
Education Minister Dave Hancock 
resigned from his post yesterday to 
join the race, prompting concern 
about a lack of leadership for postsec- 
ondary in the province. 

“The government's direction on 
postsecondary education is anything 
but clear at the moment,” said Raj 
Pannu, MLA for the New Democratic 
Party in Edmonton—Strathcona. 

Sharing in the apprehension was 
Dave Taylor, Liberal MLA and critic for 
postsecondary education, who said 
though it may be a positive thing for 
postsecondary education if Hancock 
won the leadership race, it will create 
challenges in the short-term. 

“T don’t really see anybody in the 

government ranks that could step 
in to fill the position [of Advanced 
Education Minister] who would be 
any better than Dave Hancock. In fact 
I don’t think I see anybody over there 
who would be as good in the job as I 
think he’s been,” Taylor said. 

Hancock initiated a dialogue 
between the government and educa- 
tion stakeholders last June, but Pannu 
was critical of the process, saying that 
the review should have been run by 
an independent commission, which 
wouldn't have been affected by the 
internal government affairs. 

“T think my fears are now borne out 
by the fact that the political changes 
have now come to a point where the 
minister who sponsored this process 
himself isn’t on the scene anymore,” 
Pannu said. “It puts, in my view, into 
serious question the implementa- 
tion of whatever comes out of those 

Samantha Power, Students’ Union 
Vice-President (External) and 
President-elect, has criticized the 
postsecondary review for its lengthy 
process, but now its conclusion seems 
even farther away. 

“Postsecondary education is a pri- 
ority because a year ago, Ralph Klein 
decided to make it a priority.” 


Roll it Back, Ralph tuition 
campaign draws to a close 

Senior News Editor 

The Students’ Union’s Roll it Back, 
Ralph tuition campaign is approach- 
ing its end this week with the pre- 
sentation of the final batch of petition 
signatures to the Alberta Legislature, 
but the government's hectic week 
means it could be easy to miss. 

Liberal Advanced Education critic 
Dave Taylor agreed to table the signa- 
tures in the Legislature, bringing the 
total number to 3700. But with many 
people's attention devoted to Premier 
Ralph Klein—the target of the SU 
campaign—deciding to retire ahead 
of schedule, as well as yesterday's 
cabinet shuffle following the resigna- 
tion of Advanced Education Minister 
Dave Hancock to seek the Tory leader- 
ship, the petition may not be noticed 
as much as was hoped. 

“That’s definitely the concern,” 
said SU Vice-President (External) 
and President-elect Samantha Power. 

“Everything shifts to a leadership 
race now, and it'll be very difficult 
for any new initiatives in this govern- 
ment to go through. The Premier said 
[Tuesday] that it’s business as usual, 
but that’s a little bit difficult, I think.” 

“The Premier said 
[Tuesday] that it’s 
business as usual, 
but that’s a little bit 
difficult, I think.” 


“The government is going to be 
very, very distracted,” Taylor added. 
“We will do, as the official opposi- 
tion, everything in our power to get 
them to focus on the job at hand, but 
it’s going to be very, very difficult.” 


National News 

Kjennergy crisis 
Josh Kjenner returns for one 

final rant. Remember the 
‘stache? Of course you do. 


_ Drum roll, please 

Who will be the big winners 
in the first Gateway Sports 
Awards? Read and find out. 


In the 4 April issue of the Gateway, it was 
reported that the annual cost of Students’ 
Council’sdecision topay councilorscouldreach 
$100 000. While that number had been dis- 

cussed, the actual amount budgeted was 

$35 000. We apologize for the error. 


thursday, 6 april, 2006 


thursday, 4 april, 2006 

volume XCVI number 46 

Published since 21 november, 1910 
Circulation 11 000 
ISSN 0845-356X 

Suite 3-04 
Students’ Union Building 
University of Alberta 
Edmonton, Alberta 
T6G 257 

Telephone 780.492.5168 
Fax 780.492.6665 


EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Daniel Kaszor | 492.5168 

MANAGING EDITOR David Berry | 492.6654 

SENIOR NEWS EDITOR Jake Troughton | 492.7308 

DEPUTY NEWS EDITOR Chloé Fedio | 492.6664 

OPINION EDITOR Tim Peppin | 492.6663 

ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR Mike Larocque | 492.7052 

SPORTS EDITOR Chris O'Leary | 492.6652 

PHOTO EDITOR Matt Frehner | 492.6648 



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ADSALES REPRESENTATIVE Patrick Cziolek | 492.6700 

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CIRCULATION PAL Adam Gaumont | 492.6669 

CIRCULATION PAL Tyson Kaban | 492.6669 

THE GATEWAY is published by the 
Gateway Student Journalism Society 
(GSJS), a student-run, autonomous, 
apolitical not-for-profit organization, 
operated in accordance with the 
Societies Act of Alberta. 

THE GATEWAY is proud to be 
a founding member of the 
Canadian University Press. 


Comments, concerns, or complaints about the 
Gateway’s content or operations should be first sent 
to the Editor-in-Chief at the address above. If the 
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All materials appearing in the Gateway bear copyright 

of their creator(s) and may not be used without written 


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expressly those of the author and do not necessarily 
reflect those of the Gateway or the Gateway Student 
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Additionally, the opinions expressed in advertisements 
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and not the Gateway nor the Gateway Student 
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The Gateway is created using Macintosh computers, 
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Manitoban is the Gateway's sister paper. The Gateway’s 
games of choice are Katamari Damacy and Kingdom 
Hearts Il. 


Ross “On the sauce” Prusakowski, Amanda Ash, Jonn 
Kmech, Paul Filipov, Alexandra Bailey, Andrew Renfree, 
Paul Owen, Nick Frost, Robin Collum, Josh Kjenner, 
Adam Gaumont, Derrek Grebinski, Conal Pierse, Mike 
Kendrick, Quinn Furey, Steve Schlauch, Fraser Tingle, 
Scott Lilwall, Shaun Lyons, Fish Griwkowsky, Weiyang 
Liu, Phil Head, Ben Begley, Pete Yee,Josh Nault, and 
Natalie Climenhaga. 

Students lack voice at 
Aramark table: Kehoe 


“The Students’ Union was not 
involved during the renegotiation 
of the contract, and neither was the 
LHSA,” Kehoe said. “It’s my under- 
standing that we were aware that 
the previous contract was going to 
expire in the near future, but it was 
renewed before that date without our 

“Any time that students have to pay 
mandatory fees, their involvement 
and input into the process is definitely 

He added that though students have 
been able to voice their concerns in 
the past, their comments are ineffec- 
tive without a seat at the negotiating 

“When something like the 
Aramark contract is being renegoti- 
ated, students should have the oppor- 
tunity to voice their concerns—to 
say what they want to see from their 
food services and residences,” Kehoe 

“As far as I know, the progress 
hasn’t been very fast and furious,” 
echoed Vice-President (Operations 
and Finance) Jason Tobias. “We are 
very aware of the [LHSA’s] frustra- 
tions, but so far the conversations 
have been dead avenues. We've been 

pushing the University to come to the 
table with us, and respond to the fact 
that we feel it’s important for there 
to be student input on where this 
money is going, and how it’s being 

Dima Utgoff, Associate Director of 
Housing and Food for the University, 
declined to comment on the specifics 
of the Aramark contract or the LHSA’s 

“We're going to sit down with [Janz 
and the LHSA] and talk about a wide 
variety of issues, but we certainly want 
to do that personally. We'd be talking 
about issues relating to our contract 
and other food services issues,” Utgoff 

Dean of Students Bill Connor, who 
also received the petition, repeated 
Utgoff’s assessment via e-mail, stat- 
ing that he appreciates the detail Janz 
provided, and looks forward to an 
in-depth discussion of students’ con- 

“This has been an issue since I 
came to campus in 2000,” said Tobias. 
“As long as I remember being on 
campus, this has been an issue with 
students, and it’s not like it has ebbed 
and flowed. It seems like over the last 
few years, the voices have just gotten 
louder and louder.” 

Roll it Back, Ralph campaign 
was successful, Power says 

Power, Taylor say tuition rollback wasn't enough 


The Roll it Back, Ralph campaign 
calls on the government to signifi- 
cantly reduce tuition fees to improve 
accessibility to postsecondary educa- 
tion. The government has promised 
a new tuition policy by mid-May to 
address accessibility and affordability 
concerns, though there's now con- 
cern that with the cabinet shuffle, that 
won't happen. 

The recent provincial budget pro- 
vided for a permanent rollback to 
2004/05 tuition levels, which stu- 
dents had paid for 2005/06 due to a 
temporary rebate, but both Power and 
Taylor say that isn’t enough. 

“Tm pleased to present [the peti- 
tion] to the House because I think that 
it’s a valid idea,” Taylor said. “Tuition 
policy needs to lead to tuition reform. 
I think tuition does need to roll back 
to something before 2004/05. I don’t 
know what the magic number is, or if 
there is a magic number, but when we 
come up with an affordability policy 
that is a good policy, it’s at least going 
to include tuition fees that I think are 
somewhat lower than what’s being 
paid right now.” 

Taylor said he still hopes present- 
ing the petition will help keep post- 

secondary education as an issue in the 
public profile 

“To be brutally honest with you, one 
of the problems with the postsecond- 
ary education issue is that, although it’s 
vitally important to anyone who's in 
the system ... those people are always 
outnumbered by the people who 
aren't involved in it,” he said. “So, it’s 
relatively easy to convince the general 
population, the general public, that 
the problems that they identified ... 
have been taken care of.” 

Though the campaign’s final push 
may be lost in the shuffle, Power said 
she considers it a success overall. 

“Our primary goal was to keep it in 
the eye of students, and make sure that 
students knew this affordability policy 
was expected, and what they should 
expect from it. I feel we accomplished 
that goal to the extent that we could,” 
she said. “I feel that there’s at least 
knowledge that we should be expect- 
ing something from the government, 
that they promised something, and 
that this is now left up in the air. There 
needs to be a resolution, because the 
government has the money, and they 
have the political will behind it, and 
we'll still be looking for answers.” 

¢ With files from Chloé Fedio 


Compiled by Ross Prusakowski 

Students’ Council normally meets every 
second Tuesday in the Council Chambers 
in University Hall at 6pm. Council meet- 
ings are open to all students. The last 
meeting of the year will be held on 
Tuesday, 11 April. 

With only one more meeting left in 
the year, Tuesday was the last oppor- 
tunity for councilors to introduce bills 
so that they might actually pass before 
their term in office expires. So, before 
Students’ Council could even begin 
to consider the large number of bills 
needing second reading, it considered 
moving new items to the top of the 
agenda. However, after a spending half 
an hour debating various ways to con- 
sider bills, councilors decided to leave 
the agenda alone and move onto ques- 
tion period. 

Though it had been but a week between 

meetings, question period was an ani- 
mated affair with several questions for 
the Audit Committee about the status 
of the Alberta Public Interest Group 
(APIRG) levy. While most of the ques- 
tions were for members of the com- 
mittee regarding the background of the 
situation, Michelle Kelly, Arts Councilor 
and Council representative on the 
APIRG Board of Directors, had a pointed 

Kelly challenged members of the Audit 
Committee to explain why they refused 
to disburse APIRG's levy when other 
dedicated fee unit (DFU) recipients with 
equal or larger reserve funds had already 
received their funds. Speaking on behalf 
of the committee, Arts Councilor Cam 
Lewis noted that while the other DFUs 
had responded to the committee's con- 
cerns and provided reasonable explana- 
tions for the size of their reserve funds, 
APIRG hadn't. 

In response to questions on other 
matters, Students’ Union  Vice- 
President (Student Life) Justin Kehoe 
noted that while he was sad to see that 
the Peer Health Education Program was 
folded by the University Health Centre 
(UHC) for next year, the SU had made 
no plans to adopt the program yet. 

this party t 

Qn rey 

However, Kehoe did note that his suc- 
cessor, Omer Yusuf, could help create a 
similar program once he takes office on 
1 May. 

Keeping inthe same vein, SU President 
Graham Lettner also noted the SU had 
developed a working proposal with 
the UHC that would be presented to 
Council next week. According to Lettner, 
this would establish a committee com- 
prised of two members from each of 
the Students’ Council, SU Executive 
Committee, Graduate Students’ 
Association and University administra- 
tion to review the UHC’s financial condi- 
tion and recommend to the SU and GSA 
Councils how to deal with the health 
services fee. 


With all of their questions answered, 
Council moved on to approving the 
second readings of twelve bills dealing 
mostly with internal review. Given that 
the substantive debate on legislation 
takes place on first reading, the bills were 
dealt with in short order, save for a few 
minor amendments to clarify phrasing. 
The issues involved in the bills included 
clarifying the bylaws governing Council, 
designating the Speaker of Council to 

represent Council before the Discipline, 
Interpretation and Enforcement Board, 
and what types of questions can be pro- 
posed to students in future plebiscites 
and referenda. 


* Council indefinitely tabled a bill deal- 
ing with the creation of a way to remove 
members of the Executive Committee 
from office, as a large majority of coun- 
cilors found the proposal unclear and 

+ Vice-President (Operations and 
Finance) Jason Tobias informed Council 
that, thanks to the hard work of the 
Budget and Finance Committee, a bal- 
anced budget for next year has been 

* Council approved a motion call- 
ing upon the Executive Committee to 
lobby the University for money from 
their Augustana transition fund to help 
the Augustana Council representative 
commute from Camrose to Edmonton 
for meetings. 

« While speaking about an amend- 
ment to the Executive recall bill, 
Medicine and Dentistry Councilor Suneil 
Khanna characterized it as a “choose 
your own adventure amendment.” 

8101-103 St. 
Whyte Ave 

rain doesn’t stop pope 

THE GATEWAY + volume XCVI number 46 


Details being worked out following 
settlement of Travel Cuts lawsuit 

News Staff 

After a more than decade-long legal 
battle, it took just over a month for the 
four students’ unions involved in the 
Travel Cuts lawsuit to finalize the set- 
tlement and establish a holding corpo- 
ration for their shares in the company. 

At a meeting in London, Ontario 
last week, representatives from stu- 
dent governments at the universities 
of Alberta, British Columbia, Western 
Ontario and Queen’s formed the 
Canadian Student Horizons Group 
(CSHG) as a holding organization for 
the 24 per cent stake in Travel Cuts 
they and other SUs acquired in the 

The shares, in addition to two seats 
on the Travel Cuts Board of Directors, 
were part of a settlement agreement 
between the schools and Canadian 
Federation of Students Services 
(CFS-S) that resolved a protracted 
lawsuit about ownership of the com- 
pany after the transfer of assets from 
the Association of Student Councils- 
Canada (AOSC) to CFS-S in the late 
1980s. The settlement went through 
despite controversial comments by U 
of A SU President Graham Lettner in 
February that violated its terms. 

“The money that was invested in the 
lawsuit is money paid out; there’s no 
more money invested in it,” said Ryan 
Dunn, President of the University 
Students’ Council (USC) at the 
University of Western Ontario. “Now, 
[the USC] is just talking about invest- 
ing money into Student Horizons. The 
lawsuit funds and the lawsuit is over 
and done with. ... We've eaten our 
legal costs and moved on.” 

While they're still in the early stages 
of the creation, with plenty of issues 
needing to be resolved—includ- 
ing how to divide Travel Cuts prof- 
its amongst members—the parties 
involved in discussions last week did 
create a five member Board of Directors 


to oversee and set up the corporation. 
The settlement agreement had previ- 
ously named the general managers 
of the four student associations as the 
provisional board, but Kevin Keyston, 
the President-elect of UBC’s Alma 
Mater Society, was named as student 

“The logistics of getting everyone 
together to talk about these things 
is difficult because we've got UBC, 
Alberta, Queens and Western, and 
we're not exactly next-door neigh- 
bours,” said Students’ Union Vice- 
President (Operations and Finance) 
Jason Tobias. “It’s tough to do these 
things over e-mail or over conference 
call, but we've got a Board of Directors 
set up to manage some of this stuff.” 

“We have to remember that this is 
just a holding organization, nothing 
more,” added Dunn, explaining that 
CSHG has a very loose structure. “I'm 
quite happy with the structure we 
have right now and I look forward to 
seeing it strengthened.” 

Currently, the only members of 


SLIGHT TURBULENCE The Travel Cuts lawsuit is finally drawing to a close. 

CSHG are the four student associations 
who were the plaintiffs in the lawsuit 
against CFS-S. However, according to 
the terms of the settlement agreement, 
there are up to a dozen other schools 
that could join the holding organi- 
zation because of their involvement 
with AOSC at the time of the asset 
transfer. While both Dunn and Tobias 
are optimistic about the addition of 
other schools to CSHG, it’s also a pros- 
pect that has made the development of 
the organization more complex. 

“It's a pretty big task that we're 
trying to undertake here; it’s terri- 
tory that most of us have never been 
in before and it’s a pretty complicated 
structure that we've got,” said Tobias. 

“We've got a company that holds the 
shares on behalf of the members, and 
there’s the potential for other mem- 
bers to join. So we've got to wrap our 
heads around how do we create some- 
thing that will last and be viable in the 
years to come; it’s not something that 
you can slam together in a day and be 
done with.” 


Compiled byJake Troughton and 


Alberta Lieutenant Governor Norman 
Kwong and actor/musician Tom Jackson 
are among nine people who will receive 
honourary degrees from the University 
of Alberta during spring convocation in 

The U of A Senate announced the 
recipients on Tuesday. Kwong and 
Jackson will both receive honourary 
doctorates of law. 

Kwong, a former Edmonton Eskimo 
and Calgary Stampeder who was the 
first Chinese-Canadian player in the 
Canadian Football League, has been 
active in both sports and community 
causes, and was made a Member of the 
Order of Canada in 1998. 

Jackson is best known for his role 
as Chief Peter Kinidi on the CBC series 
North of 60, and has won Genie and 
Gemini awards as an actor. He is also a 
Juno Award nominee and has released 13 
albums. He’s also been a notable activist 
and humanitarian worker, including cre- 
ating the annual Huron Carole Benefit 
Concert Series, a fundraiser for the 
Canadian Association of Food Banks. 

Other nominees include UBC 
President Dr Martha Cook Piper, U of 
A alumnus and former President and 
CEO of the Alberta Heritage Foundation 

for Medical Research Dr Matthew 
Spence, author and_ philanthropist 
Cécile E McTaggert, and former EnCana 
Corporation President and CEO Gwyn 
Morgan, who will each receive honou- 
rary doctorates of law. Nobel laureate 
Dr Daniel Kahneman, distinguished 
geologist Dr William Fyfe, and Kenneth 
Thompson, who developed the UNIX 
operating system, will receive honou- 
rary doctorates of science. 

Notable and vocal Science Councilor 
Steve Kirkham has tendered his resig- 
nation in reaction to a feeling that his 
time, and the time of most members 
of Students’ Council, wasn’t being used 

This news comes as a surprise to 
most, as Kirkham was known as being an 
especially active councilor and had just 
won re-election for his seat. However, in 
his resignation letter, Kirkham said that 
he had an epiphany when he was work- 
ing on policy regarding the paying of 

“Student’s Council spends the major- 
ity of its time debating minor, internal 
details like attendance requirements, 
when elections should occur, how its 
judiciary is organized, the appearance 
of the breakdown of its fees, and now 
the intricate rules and exceptions for 
how councilors should be paid,” Kirkham 
explained in his letter of resignation. “It 
never bothers to debate the big issues 
that would actually effect change.” 

Kirkham further went on to explain 
that he felt his time would be put to 
better use in other projects that he is a 

part of, such as the BearTracks alterna- | 

tive BearScat. 

“The incentive | need from Council 
for me to invest my time is a focus on 
helping students: improving their post- 
secondary experience,’ he wrote. “Sadly, 
that incentive doesn’t exist and remu- 
neration is no substitute.” 

The letter of resignation wasn’t 
accepted at Tuesday's Council meeting 
because it was not sent directly to the 
speaker, but will most likely go through 
in the next few days. 

U of A Chancellor Eric Newell is among 
the local celebrities participating in the 
Alberta Diabetes Foundation’s inaugural 
Step Out campaign in support of diabe- 
tes awareness and prevention. 

The University and the Faculty of 
Physical Education and Recreation are 
among the sponsors challenging the 
public to take pledges and walk 10 000 
steps per day to raise money for the ADF. 
Starting Tuesday, Newell joined Carrie 
Doll and Daryl McIntyre from CFRN, and 
Graham Hicks from the Edmonton Sun 
in taking up the challenge. After a week, 
the public will be encouraged to take up 
the challenge. 

On Monday, to mark the end of the 
“celebrity week,” there will be a Step Out 
event at the southwest corner of Quad 
at 10am, where students and others are 
encouraged to meet before embarking 
ona short walking tour of campus. 

The campaign is designed to raise 
awareness of the importance of physi- 




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Tories lack long-term vision for postsecondary: Pannu 


“And the only reason were still 
having these conversations is because 
the government was interested in 
coming to a conclusion with postsec- 
ondary education funding,” Power 
continued. “Now with the resignation 
of the Minister, we're really concerned 
that there just won't be any results at 
all. The review is his initiative, and 
we're concerned that it now won't 
have a leader to carry it through to its 

In line with Hancock’s resignation, 
Klein appointed Denis Herard, MLA 
for Calgary—Egmont, as new Minister 

| of Advanced Education yesterday. The 

Ministry of Advanced Education was 
unavailable for comment. 

Klein has already announced that 
there’s not going to be a fall session 
of the Legislature, but Power is hope- 
ful that the new tuition policy will be 
finalized by the spring, so that it can 
be in effect for September. 

“Our main job right now is to ensure 
that postsecondary is maintained as a 
priority, through whatever leadership 
race happens in the next few months,” 
Power said. 

Pannu and Taylor had both specu- 
lated that Hancock would maintain 
his post until 1 June, but his resigna- 
tion has left Albertans with a series of 
questions regarding the conclusion of 

the review. 

“Running postsecondary institu- 
tions requires long-term planning, 
and how is that going to happen 
while this government is in a con- 
dition of suspense, and no one is in 
charge?” Pannu asked, adding that 

\S \ 


IN THE WAY NDP advanced education critic Raj Pannu says politics are interfering with the province’s PSE review process. 

the lack of leadership extends beyond 
just Advanced Education. “I think 
the whole government is in disar- 
ray. Everyone who's anybody in this 
government, from now on, will be 
involved in the leadership contest.” 
The next leader for the Conservatives 
should be announced by December, 
but given the candidates that have 

announced they're running, Pannu 
and Taylor were skeptical that a leader 
will provide a new approach to poli- 
tics in the province. 

“We'll have to wait and see what 
the new leader’s vision is for Alberta. 
There’s a lack of vision in this prov- 
ince, particularly on the part of the 
government,” Pannu said. 

“Ultimately the voters are going 
to decide, has the Conservative party 
managed to renew itself again or not?” 
Taylor added. “I could go on about 
how, from our point of view, they 
look like they're incapable of renewing 
themselves, but, I mean, what the hell, 
I'm partisan, right? Of course it’s going 
to look that way through my eyes.” 

Peter Cherewyk 
Business III 

I've never heard about it. But, | won our 
championship in commercial league, 
and we took the cup home and we're 
not giving it back. 


Last month, the Golden Bears hockey team won the Telus University Cup, but last Tuesday they brought 
it to the Armoury and they havent seen it since. 

Do you know where the Cup went? 

Kristina Kerstens 
Arts | 

No, but | hear crazy things happen with 
the Stanley Cup, too. Maybe they played 
football with it or something. | hope they 
find it, though. It’s kind of sad, to go and 
lose it right after. 

Todd Keesey 
AglFor lV 

No, | haven't see it. | don’t think it under- 
mines their win, but it would reflect 
poorly on the team. The win is kind of 
an athletic accomplishment, whereas 
losing it is just foolhardy. 

Compiled and photographed by Chloé Fedio and Natalie Climenhaga 

Engineering II 

| can't believe they lost something like 
that; it’s pretty funny. It might still be 
there, like a practical joke. 


Tuesday, 11 April: 


Flavour explosions rock Baghdad 


Freedom dies “=<: ; 

Fash gl ready fur'good time fit 


Our infamous joke issue hits the stands 

| Boxtic® 




THE GATEWAY + volume XCVI number 46 


Opposition criticizes lottery 
grant to womens fraternity 

Alpha Gamma Delta receives $8000 more than requested; Liberals question 
use of Community Initiative Program funds for purchasing furniture 

News Staff 

A provincial grant awarded to a 
U of A women’s fraternity has drawn 
criticism from the Liberal gaming 
critic, who argues that grant applica- 
tions should face closer scrutiny before 
being approved. 

Maurice Tougas, MLA for 
Edmonton-Meadowlark, noted that 
the Community Initiative Program 
(CIP) grant, which is funded through 
the revenue the province collects from 
VLTs and other forms of gambling, 
is intended to support organizations 
that benefit the larger community. 
But according to Tougas, the $18 670 
grant awarded to the Alpha Gamma 
Delta women’s fraternity didn’t fall 
within the guidelines set out for the 

“[The grant is] for groups that are 
doing works in the community. I don’t 
think they come close to qualifying, to 
be honest with you, and that was my 
concern with that,” Tougas said. “We 
just saw this one on the list of all the 
grants, and we thought that this one 
sounded a bit odd, and I think the 
documents showed that it just didn’t 

The fraternity originally applied 
for a $10 000 grant from the Alberta 
Lottery Fund, but they received an 
additional $8000. A substantial por- 
tion of the funds were spent on fur- 
niture and upgrades to the chapter’s 
house, but Tougas said that the money 
could have gone to other programs in 
the city. 

“T was talking to one of the other 
MLAs, and there’s a school in his 
area that wanted money for an anti- 
bullying program. They were rejected. 
For some reason, that was rejected and 
this goes through,” he said. 

However, Marilyn Carlyle-Helms, 
Communication Director for Alberta 
Gaming, says that Alpha Gamma Delta 
was a good prospect for receiving the 

“[The grant is] for 
groups that are 
doing works in the 
community. I don’t 
think they come close 
to qualifying, to be 
honest with you, and 
that was my concern 
with that. We just saw 
this one on the list of 
all the grants, and we 
thought that this one 
sounded a bit odd, and 
I think the documents 
showed thatitjust  ~ 
didn't qualify.’ 



“Alpha Delta Gamma is a regis- 
tered non-profit organization. It was 
eligible; it met all the criteria for a 
grant,” Carlyle-Helms said. “Part of 
the consideration for that would have 
been that the group fundraised, and 
that they do volunteer work in the 

She pointed to the fraternity’s fund- 
raising initiatives for the Campus and 
Edmonton Food Banks and the juve- 

nile diabetes and women’s shelters. 

Carlyle-Helms also noted that the 
fraternity’s use of the grant for refur- 
nishing wasn’t without precedent. 

“I know that CIP grants have gone 
to furnish facilities. From my recol- 
lections, I know that daycares and 
senior citizens are at least two other 
types of groups that have purchased 
furnishing for their facilities,” she 
said, adding that the CIP grant is 
broadly based. 

By October, the fraternity will be 
required to submit detailed financial 
statements to Alberta Gaming, show- 
ing exactly what the money was used 
for, a procedure that all organizations 
that received grants from Alberta 
Gaming must complete. 

Still, Tougas contends that the grant 
money could have been put to better 
use. However, he stressed that his con- 
cern isn’t with the fraternity applying 
for the money, but with the govern- 
ment approving it. 

“I just want to make sure that every- 
one knows that I’m not going after the 
fraternity. I have no quarrel with them 
and I’m sure that they are doing some 
good work. They're certainly within 
their right to make an application,” he 
said. “But I also think that the govern- 
ment has a duty to look at these appli- 
cations and say ‘No, this one doesn't 
fall under our guidelines,’ and say no 
to it.” 

According to the Alberta Lottery 
Fund, in 2006/07, the fund provided 
an estimated $1.2 billion to public ini- 
tiatives, including support to health- 
care, education and infrastructure 
programs. Of this, $30 million is slated 
for the CIP, with another $105 million 
set aside to support other community 
development projects. 

Alpha Gamma Delta didn’t respond 
to the Gateway’s requests for comment. 



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Reports to the Advocacy Director. Responsible for research 
and analysis of information related to post-secondary 
education policy at the provincial and federal levels. Expected 
to work closely with the Advocacy Director, the President and 
the Vice President (External) on political strategy and external 

Remuneration: $1,181.83 per month. 

Term position running from May 8, 2006 to April 30, 2007 at 25 hours per 
week, with possibility of increase to full time for summer. 


Reports to the Advocacy Director. Responsible for research 
and analysis of information related to academic and non- 
academic policies in the University of Alberta governance 
setting. Expected to work closely with the Advocacy Director, 
the University Affairs Officer, the President and the Vice 
President (Academic) on university advocacy. 
Remuneration: $1,181.83 per month. 

Term position running from May 8, 2006 to April 30, 2007 at 25 hours per 
week, with possibility of increase to full time for summer. 

Reports to the Advocacy Director. Responsible for organizing 
the campus component of the Executive's political advocacy 
campaigns and managing volunteers. Responsible for 
building and maintaining contacts with student groups on 
campus to build awareness and aid in volunteer recruiting. 
Remuneration: $1,000 per month 

Term position running from July 1, 2006 to February 28, 2007 at 20 hours 
per week, with possibility of one month extension into March. 


The UAO is the primary strategic resource for university 
advocacy in the University of Alberta Students’ Union. 
Reporting to the Advocacy Director (AD), the UAO is 
responsible for research and policy analysis, record keeping, 
as well as providing strategic general oversight and specific 
strategic assessment related to the affairs of the University of 
Alberta and SU Advocacy efforts. 

Full-time permanent position, with excellent benefits. Please include 
salary expectations in cover letter. 

Application deadline for all positions: 

4:00pm, Thursday April 13, 2006 

To apply, please submit a cover letter, resume and refer- 
ences to Don Iveson, Advocacy Director either by email 
at, or to: 

2-900 SUB 
University of Alberta 
Edmonton, AB 16G 257 

For full job descriptions and posting details visit 

For further information, call Don Iveson at 492-4236, or write to 

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THE GATEWAY + volume XCVI number 46 

BC international students force 
University Act amendment 

After several years of lobbying, government changes law to remove Canadian 
citizenship requirement for serving on University Boards of Governors 

The Ubyssey 

islature has set a Canadian precedent 
by giving the green light for interna- 
tional students to sit on the Board of 
Governors (BoG) at BC universities, 
the highest decision-making body at 
each school. 

As part of an effort to clarify the 
University Act, the provincial gov- 
ernment approved an amendment 
removing the Canadian citizenship 
requirement for anyone seeking mem- 
bership on the Board. 

“T think it’s great. It’s been a long 
time coming,” said Jeff Friedrich, 
Alma Mater Society (AMS) Vice- 
President (Academic and University 
Affairs). “It gives international stu- 
dents a voice they didn’t have before.” 

Friedrich said the combined effort of 
several student initiatives contributed 
to the realization of this change, citing 
a letter from the AMS to the provincial 
government, a meeting with MLAs in 
Victoria, and the efforts of UBC inter- 
national student Lyle McCMahon—who 
had unsuccessfully appealed a UBC 
decision that disqualified him from 
running for the Board on the grounds 
that he wasn’t a Canadian citizen— 
and the Simon Fraser Student Society 
(SFSS) as the major factors. 

“It’s one of those great instances 
where a lot of different student lob- 
bying efforts had some real effect and 

things moved along,” he said. 

SFSS President Clement Abas Apaak 
was pleased with the announcement, 
saying that since international stu- 
dents already participate in other areas 
of university governance, it was only 
logical that they be allowed to sit on 
the BoG. 

“It’s one of those great 
instances where a lot 
of different student 
lobbying efforts had 
some real effect and 

things moved along,” 



“It’s a big victory for the student 
movement across the province and the 
country, particularly for international 
students,” he said. “We've collectively 
been able to influence government 
policy and indeed have changed the 
[University] Act, which I believe is 
going to set a standard for the rest of 

Apaak, himself an international 
student, had attempted to run for the 
Board ever since he came to SFU in 
2001. Each time he was disqualified. 

“This is a personal crusade that I 
started in 2001. It’s good to see that 
this has come to pass,” he said. 

He said support from the SFSS and 
UBC’s AMS was crucial to getting this 
issue brought before the government. 

“When. individuals take up these 
kinds of causes, there’s always a ten- 
dency to dismiss them as troublemak- 
ers or people who do not appreciate 
rules, but once you have institutional 
support in the form of having your stu- 
dent union passing a motion and taking 
on the cause as a formal position, it car- 
ries a lot of weight,” said Apaak. 

Spencer Keys, who was AMS presi- 
dent when the letter sent to Victoria 
was drafted, explained that the AMS 
was asked by the provincial govern- 
ment to submit a letter with the sup- 
port of other BC student societies in 
order to get the issue on the agenda. 

“I was really glad the AMS was 
able to take a leadership role on this 
issue,” said Keys. “Other schools like 
SFU had been working on it for a sig- 
nificant amount of time before we got 
involved, but it was our involvement 
that seemed to get the ball rolling on 
this issue.” 

In terms of timing, though, Apaak 
and Friedrich agreed that the change 
came a little later than would have 
been ideal. 

“Unfortunately it wasn't fast enough. 
It would have been nice to have this 
issue resolved before we had our BoG 
and Senate elections,” said Friedrich. 


Québec students march a 
year after massive strike 

The McGill Daily 

MONTREAL (CUP)—Over 300 stu- 
dents marched through Montréal last 
Thursday to demand accessible, high- 
quality education and to commemo- 
rate the one-year anniversary of last 
year’s Québec student strike. 

The students marched from Berri 
Square in downtown Montréal to 
Premier Jean Charest’s Montréal office, 
where they temporarily blocked an 

The demonstration, organized by the 
Coalition for Accessible Public Education 
(CAPE), an alliance of student groups 
and associations from across Montréal, 
called for government reinvestment in 
public education and the fulfillment of 
certain demands that student groups 
like l’Association pour une solidarité 
syndicale étudiant (ASSE) made during 
last year’s student strike, including the 
elimination of student debt. 

“We want accessible public educa- 
tion and we're calling for a massive 
reinvestment of funds from the federal 
government, to a tune of $4.9 billion, 
to start,” said CAPE spokesperson and 
McGill Philosophy PhD student Anna 

“We're calling for an end to cor- 
porate influence on campus which 
interferes with academic integrity. In 
addition to that, we're calling for a real 
freeze on all fees, including tuition, 
for international, local, and out-of- 
province students. Finally, we are call- 
ing for improvements to the loans and 
bursaries system to ensure maximal 
access [to education],” she added. 

The march was forced to detour 

after it met a line of riot police block- 
ing their planned path. 

About half an hour after the standoff 
began, police threatened to arrest stu- 
dents who refused to move; following 
three such announcements over a loud- 
speaker, students started to disperse. 

The police said they wouldn’t allow 
the demonstration to go onto Rue 
Sherbrooke because of possible traffic 
problems. However, in blocking the 
students, police vans and riot police 
closed off that street, which prevented 
traffic from moving. 

“I don’t understand why the police 
would block an entire rally of students 
who are simply calling for accessible 
and public education. It makes no 
sense to me,” said CAPE organizer 
Bianca Mugyenyi. 

Current Students’ Society of McGill 
University Vice-President (External 
Affairs) and President-elect Aaron 
Donny-Clark called the police response 
heavy-handed and repressive. 

“The message that the police were 
trying to send is quite clear, and it was, 
“We have shields and batons so we 
make the rules. You can have your issue 
heard but you have to have it heard our 
way or we're going to club you and put 
you in jail,” said Donny-Clark. 

After the standoff, the march con- 
tinued to the Premier’s office. McGill’s 
vegan food collective, the Midnight 
Kitchen, distributed vegan pizza that 
resembled the red squares that were 
the symbol of last year’s strike. As 
well, some participants delivered 
speeches about issues facing students 
at the moment. Some speakers also 
expressed solidarity with the current 
student strike in France. 

Safewalk would like to thank our volunteers for being such stars, and our sponsors for their support. 

We are truly grateful to the following people for being a part of our service in 2005-2006: 

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Thank Ung 
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Thank you so very much from 
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OPINION + thursday, 6 april, 2006 

A nostalgic and 
cloying farewell 
to the Gateway 

WHEN I STARTED the job of Gateway Editor-in- 
Chief last May, it was with the assumption that, by 
this point, I would be a simpering ball of stressed-out 
goop, barely able to tie my shoelaces, let alone string 
together a paper. I think that my predecessors may 
have oversold the stress level I’d experience a bit. 

Don't get me wrong, I just got my first grey hair 
about a month ago, and there were at least two weeks 
this year where was I literally—and this isn’t the 
modern bastardization of the term that really means 
figuratively—so stressed that I had a hard time eating. 
It’s just that after five years with the organization, I’m 
actually still up for another year, except that, after 
seven years around the University, I should probably 
get on with my life. 

This isn’t to say that I don’t have regrets. I wish we 
didn’t go to the lowest common denominator quite 
so often, and, paradoxically, I wish I had okayed a few 
more mildly offensive funny headlines—those didn’t 
really hurt anyone. I sort of wish that we had chased 
a few stories more closely and had more in-depth 
articles about on-campus issues. But, hey, most days 
I believe in the publication we're printing, and think 
that we're providing a benefit to most students not just 
by giving them the campus news, but by poking them 
out of their complacency every once and a while. 

Mostly, I'm happy that the place didn’t blow up on 
my watch, which was really my biggest fear. 

Really, if I was leaving the paper completely content 
with everything, I would either be totally stupid, or 
the job would have been easy and boring. And who 
wants easy and boring? Hard is interesting. And while 
no one should take the fact that the job is hard as an 
excuse for a crappy product, no one should look at 
and interesting job and turn it down because it’s hard. 

To that end, I think I know why I would do this all 
again if I had a chance: because there is always some- 
thing left to do, and when you finally get something 
just right, the sense of reward is overwhelming. Or 
maybe it was just the great staff 1 had supporting me 
this year. I honestly don’t think I've ever gotten along 
better with another group of people at a job. 

Finally, since I haven't allowed myself to be totally 
self-indulgent with my power over the paper all year 
(well, except for that food review) I wanted to take 
this moment to say, “Thanks, Mom and Dad”—for 
reading the paper and not telling me to stop using all 
that dirty language. I really appreciated that. 

Soon-to-be-unemployed Editor-in-Chief 

A confused and 
irreverent welcome 

A LOT OF THINGS IN MY LIFE seem to happen for 
no apparent reason. And I'm not talking about going 
to Keegan's at 4am smashed out of my gourd, or play- 
ing a five-foot-long cardboard construction tube like a 

Whenever I look back on life-changing decisions 
or events of far-reaching impact, I’m always struck by 
the absolute irreverence with which I approach them. 
I came to this university on a whim; because I sure as 
hell wasn’t ready for a real job. Likewise the Gateway. 
I feel like I’ve ended up here—about to take the helm 
of a deathship so leaky that only the crow’s nest is 
above water—entirely by chance. 

Friends ask me if I'm excited about next year. I lie, 
and say I’m terrified; when in reality I’m neither. I'd 
say I have no idea what to expect, except that, after 
watching four consecutive editors-in-chief become 
withered shells of their former selves, I think my path 
is fairly obvious: I will continue to destroy my heart 
via beautiful RATT burgers (I recently learned I can 
add bacon to them); I'll grow some grey hairs and 
maybe another moustache; and I will have an office 
with a door sufficient to muffle my screams of ecstasy 
and murderous rage. Welcome to my hell. 



ea’ SPP Pee 


APIRG responds to 
many of Kustra’s claims 

This letter is in response to points 
raised by Bryce Kustra, Chair of the 
Students’ Union Audit Committee, 
regarding the stalled disbursement 
of APIRG’s Dedicated Fee (Re: “APIRG 
teetering on the edge of bank- 
ruptcy,” 4 April). 

First, Kustra’s statement that 
“APIRG doesn’t use generally 
accepted accounting principles and 
.. were moving money from one 
year to another,” is fictitious. The 
finances for the fiscal year 2004/05, 
to which Kustra refers, have been 
independently audited by the 
accounting firm Halpert Monsma 
Aquin. APIRG’s auditor unequivo- 
cally verifies that APIRG’s 2004/05 
financial statements conform 
to generally accepted Canadian 
accounting principles, and that 
the statements accurately present 
the financial position of APIRG in a 
manner consistent with most non- 
profit organizations. 

Second, Kustra claims, “at the very 
least, not knowing you're running 
out of money two days before the 
bills are due is a pretty good example 
of mismanagement.” Kustra should 
be aware of Audit Committee's 
complicity in driving APIRG to 
this position. Until recently, Audit 
Committee had failed to provide 
APIRG with written documentation 
outlining its concerns and demands, 
delaying the APIRG Board's ability to 
assess the situation such that APIRG 
now finds itself in unenviable finan- 
cial difficulty. Moreover, it’s Audit 
Committee's refusal to disburse 
the dedicated fee when APIRG has 
discharged all of its requirements 
under SU Bylaw 6000 as of 3 March, 
2006, that is ultimately responsible. 

Third, Kustra goes on to declare, 
“It's completely within the realm 
of Students’ Council to seek out 
and deal with mismanagement of 
student funds.” It should be empha- 
sized that, according to the official 
documentation APIRG has received 
from Audit Committee, their refusal 
to disburse APIRG's Dedicated Fee 
is due not to financial mismanage- 
ment, but to the following unmet 
demands. To date, Audit Committee 
has formally requested from APIRG 
a “written commitment” to reduce 
our general reserve and a “plan of 
action” to invest the remainder of 
it. Audit Committee has officially 
stated that when these two requests 
are met APIRG's Dedicated Fee will be 
disbursed. These demands have little 
to do with responsible accounting. 
Kustra’s accusations of financial mis- 
management are, at the very least, 
baseless and inflammatory. 

With respect to Audit 
Committee's two demands, it’s 
APIRG's position that: 

a) SU Bylaw 6000 does not 
grant the Students’ Union Audit 
Committee the mandate to make 
these demands. 

b) Asking APIRG to reduce the 
contents of its general reserve 
would see this money expensed as 
part of a general operating budget 
without a simultaneous increase 
in revenues, forcing APIRG to run 
unsustainable deficits. 

c) Historically speaking, when 
these funds were approved by 
Students’ Council for disbursement 
on 23 September, 2003, it was with 
the understanding that the funds 

would be used for cash flow main- 
tenance and fixed income invest- 
ment. Audit Committee, with their 
demand that we now reduce our 
general reserve, is effectively trying 
to impose new conditions on these 
funds that contravene their already 
approved usage. Audit Committee 
does not have the power to alter 
conditions on previous disburse- 
ments approved by the Students’ 

Despite efforts made by APIRG, an 
amicable resolution to this matter 
has not materialized. Consequently, 
a request for a hearing has been 
filed with the Students’ Union's 
Discpline, Interpretation, and 
Enforcement Board, in the hope of 
having this matter resolved without 
further delay. 

APIRG Board of Directors 

An explanation of the 
APIRG investigation 

In response to a recent Gateway 
article (“APIRG teetering on the edge 
of Bankruptcy,” 4 April), APIRG has 
posted a letter from their auditor 
in various locations in an attempt 
to discredit the Students’ Council 
Audit Committee. This letter says 
that the audit that the APIRG's audi- 
tors produced conforms to gener- 
ally accepted accounting principles: 
it says nothing about the appropri- 
ateness of APIRG’s record keeping. 

On 2 December, 2005, APIRG pre- 
sented the Audit Committee with a 
final budget for the 2004/05 fiscal 
year. The difference between rev- 
enues and expenses was So. When 
a councilor, surprised at the tidiness 
of this figure, requested an explana- 
tion, the committee was informed 
that money had been moved from 
one fiscal year to another in order 
to precisely balance revenues and 
expenses. This action violates gener- 
ally accepted accounting principles, 
and is a problem. In response to this 
inconsistency, the Audit committee 
decided to review APIRG's finances 
more closely. 

Let me be clear. The committee 
does not doubt the integrity of 
APIRG'sauditors orthat the auditors 
use generally accepted accounting 

principles. Nevertheless, APIRG’s 
financial coordinator told the 
Audit Committee that they moved 
money from one fiscal year to 
another, in violation of generally 
accepted accounting principles. It 
would have been negligent of the 
committee to not investigate the 
matter further. 

Students’ Council 
Audit Committee Chair 

APIRG essential to many 
campus services 

APIRG is an extremely valuable 
resource at the University of Alberta 
and has supported our working 
group on campus for the past three 
years, thereby allowing us to do 
much-needed work providing ser- 
vices to students. 

Without the funding, adminis- 
trative help, and supportive com- 
munity that APIRG provides, the 
Women’s Centre would not exist 
at the level of activity it currently 

money on trifling hoes gets you 
nothing but an oldjalopy anda head- 
ache. It’s much more worthwhile to 
find yourself a nice girl who would 
be interested in going out with you 
for the company, and not for what 
you are willing to spend on her. 
Perhaps if you went on a date to 
have a good time, rather than won- 
dering what trinkets Sir Smarmy has 
brought home from the battlefield 
to please you, you wouldn’t find 
yourself so tirelessly unsatisfied. 
However, being a man of fine 
character, I'd be willing to offer you 
what you want—gilded pedes- 
tal and all—in exchange for a few 
simple things. First and foremost, 
you will have to give back your right 
to vote. Secondly, you are not to 
leave the kitchen once we are wed. 
Third, there will be no wearing of 
shoes when you are with child. And 
finally, no more female orgasms. 
You may find my terms harsh, 
but, as a member of my household, 
you will also gain the benefits of not 
having to worry about issues such as 
politics, or the prices of such house- 
hold items as cans of green paint. A 
worthy trade off, n'est-ce pas? 


UofA Women’s Centre member Science IV 
I'm sorry, but the We don't treat you like 
Princess is in another princesses because we 


This is in response to Michelle 
Kelly's 4 April article about how men 
simply aren’t gentlemanly enough 
anymore, what with the not holding 
of doors, and the severe lack of duel- 
ling or respectable moustaches that 
are rampant nowadays (Re: “Treat 
me like a princess, boys’). 

As you pointed out, when fem- 
net became self-aware, resulting in 
women escaping the foot shackles 
attaching them to the stove and 
rising up against their male oppres- 
sors, chivalry was one of the first 
victims brutally killed by the ensu- 
ing barrage of flaming braziers. 

But, you should also note that the 
reason men are more reluctant to 
buy you chocolates and flowers is 
because of Archie comics. Veronica 
made a generation of men realize 
that spending all your hard-earned 

don't have to 

This is in response to the 4 April 
article, “Treat me like a princess, 
boys.” The decline in the feminist 
movement has little with the 
decline in chivalry. Other than the 
fact that formal dating is a com- 
plete faux pas, men like me won't 
jump through your hoops anymore. 

If | felt the easiest way to get laid 
was to put on a tux and stand out- 
side your window with my stereo 
blaring Peter Gabriel then I'd kill 
myself. | know if a girl did that to me 
I'd tell her to fuck off. If you want a 
date so badly just pull up your pants 
and A girl asking a guy out 
is not, by any means, a feminist 



THE GATEWAY + volume XCVI number 46 

Jesus and Buddha Version 2.0 
fall far short of the originals 



In southern Nepal, at least until he 
mysteriously disappeared, there was a 
15-year-old boy named Ram Bahadur 
Bomjon who had apparently been 
meditating, without food or water, 
for over ten months. Despite the fact 
that that’s retarded, and that he was 
screened from public view every 
night, he was believed by many to 
be another Buddha. Many claimed 
that a warm light emanated from his 
forehead, and, after having apparently 
been bitten by a snake, it was claimed 
that he refused medical attention and 
meditated away the poison. Over 
100 000 people came to see him. 

Similarly, in Russia, there’s a one- 
time traffic cop named Sergei Torop 
who's now touting himself as the 
reincarnation of Jesus. Upon meet- 
ing the director of a Russian UFO 
research centre who saw in him a 
“divine nature,” he changed his name 
to Vissarion and started a commune. 
Many of his followers think that he 
has extrasensory powers and believe, 
among other things, that cancer 
is caused by aggression. Fittingly, 
one of his religion’s maxims is that 
“an untruth which brings good is 
wisdom.” This new Jesus has 5000 
members living with Vissarion, and 
some 50 000 adherents scattered 
throughout Russia. 

There are a few problems here. 


The first is that, well, you wouldn't 
expect a reincarnated wise man or 
deity to be so concerned with money. 
There was an entrance fee to see 
Ram Bahadur, and money was also 
made from donations, and the sale 
of books, pamphlets and audio tapes. 
Likewise, Sergei Torop has been 
accused by many jaded followers of 
pilfering money, and often delivers 
his messages from atop a snowmo- 
bile. I guess this is the modern equiv- 
alent of a donkey. 

The second is that, well, you'd 
expect a reincarnated wise man or 
deity to be a little bit more awesome. 
The last Buddha was a prince, a master 
of martial arts, a skilled lover and a 
knowledgeable scholar. Jesus walked 
on water, turned it to wine and raised 
the living from the dead. Now, we 
have a grubby teenager sitting under 
a tree, hawking audio tapes and trin- 
kets, and probably sneaking meals at 
night, and a grubby middle-aged man 
wearing loose robes and preaching 
the virtues of farming. That’s weak. 

The last problem with all of this 
was already mentioned. Hundreds of 
thousands of people have bought in to 
this nonsense. Despite the fact that the 
evidence supporting either of these 
people’s claims is ridiculously flimsy, 
many people seem to find it compel- 
ling. Despite the fact that many eye- 
witness locals deny them, rumours 
and legends have spread well beyond 
the region immediately surround- 
ing these two. And,, despite the fact 
that these two, at present, are almost 
comically ridiculous, their influence is 
quickly growing. It reminds me of the 
spread of the world’s major religions. 

Go figure. 

a sn aD, 
* “5 | on , 
cual a L. 

ard wednesdays 



Listening to Mogwai doesnt make you hip 

Obscurantist hipsters and their pretentious tastes are ruining the idea of cool 

‘op wa 


The Fonz must be rolling in his grave. 
Assuming he’s dead, of course. If he’s 
alive, I guess he’d probably be puking 
or something like that, or at the very 
least a little bit “miffed,” or “cheesed 
off” or some other such Happy Days- 
era synonym for angry. Alive, dead, old, 
gay, syphilitic; whatever state the Fonz 
is in, he’s likely not very happy about 
the current state of “coolness’—some- 
thing that he, his leather jacket and his 
checkered past used to embody. 

Yes, it seems that the criteria for 
assessing that nebulous, mystery- 
shrouded enigma that is coolness have 
seen a major shift. Being cool used to 
be about being in motorcycle gangs 
named after various birds of prey, com- 
mitting minor criminal acts, smoking 
cigarettes and having a leather jacket—a 
collection of acts that, when aggregated, 
roughly constituted “rebelling.” Now, it 
seems that coolness is all about acting 
like you know everything about every- 
thing and pretending to like things that 
no one else does—a collection of acts 
that, when aggregated, roughly consti- 
tute “being a fucking loser.” 

I'm certainly not some sort of cool- 
ness oracle, or “Ryan Seacrest,” if you 
will. To tell you the truth, in the swirl- 
ing cloud of irony, ambiguity and pre- 
tentiousness that is modern coolness, 
I'm fairly confident of my inability to 
ascertain my position on the coolness 
totem pole with any kind of accuracy. 

Although I suspect it’s nestled some- 
where between King of Queens and 
pencil crayons, a simple Vice article 
could change all this. What I do know 
is that I (and likely the Fonz, as well) 
am dismayed to see that “coolness” 
has degenerated, basically, to the act of 
trying to best everyone around you. 

This happened with 
poker; fucking 
everybody I know 

plays it now. 

Take music: if anyone reading this, 
by the end of their university career, 
hasn't been in or been subjected to at 
least one ridiculous music-based piss- 
ing match, I'll give them a white label 
of every seminal Detroit techno hit: 
1985, ’86, and ’87. This is being cool, 
in today’s form: two people pretend- 
ing they like shittier and shittier music 
until one of them is basically listen- 
ing to a record of some Japanese guy 
banging a tape recorder with a fucking 
shovel, and they've deluded themselves 
into thinking it’s “unsettling, but pow- 
erful.” It isn’t always bullshit (obviously 
people like different music), but it often 
comes back to the theme of trying to 
beat everyone around you, as if being 
cool was some kind of track meet or 

And it seems that if one can’t know 
something that other people don't, 
one has to have known it first. This 
happens a lot when there’s some sort 
of trend that initially starts out with 
some level of esotericism, but then 
gains popularity and crosses that cru- 
cial apex on.the cool chart where too 

many people know about it or have it, 
and its coolness begins to recede. 

This happened with poker; fuck- 
ing everybody I know plays it now. 
No one I know used to, but if you ask 
them every last one of those assholes 
will tell you they've been playing “for- 
ever,” or, at the very least, will quar- 
rel with others in their poker gang 
about who's been playing the longest. 
If youre lucky, you might be regaled 
with a shop-talk-laced anecdote about 
a crazy night at the Yellowhead when 
they “rode a whale up the 6-4 on the 
corner of easy and fold after flopping a 
jack-9 double-twist” to really drive the 
point home. It’s ridiculous. 

Worst of all, this new coolness is 
pervasive. I walk down the street and 
see these 14-year-old kids wearing 
jeans worth more than their respec- 
tive lives and talking about the last 
Royksopp record, and all I can think 
of is how the little mutants should be 
home, jerking off to porn they stole 
from their older brother and organiz- 
ing their hockey cards like 14-year- 
olds did in 1996/97. This horrid new 
cool is everywhere; it seems that no 
one can simply have or do anything 
unless it’s sufficiently arcane to make 
other people realize they don’t know 
as much about it as he/she does. 

Unfortunately, as much as all of this 
shit bothers me, I’m not optimistic that 
it will ever really change. I can’t even 
stop myself from doing it. People are, 
in general, fragile beings in need of 
near-constant reassurance and valida- 
tion. And, as making fun of the stinky 
kid in elementary taught us, the easi- 
est way to pull ourselves up it to put 
others down. It’s fuckin’ simple, man. 
Why do you think I wrote this? Try to 
catch up to me now, “hipsters!” 







25¢ Hi-balls (9-10pm 
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eo ec ee A A Hm 

- t/ PREP101 

Your Competitive Edge 

Point-Counterpoint: Which set of Gateway 
editors can best keep this leaky ship afloat? 

All that I've worked for soon going to 
be ruined by this group of inepts 



When it comes time in your life to move on from some- 
thing you've loved, all you can really do is hope that you've 
left your beloved in good hands. When your'e leaving it in 
the jam-stained hands of a bunch of semi-literate morons 
who you don’t trust to tie their own shoes, let alone run 
a newspaper, though, all you can really do is cry in a dark 
room and try to drink the pain away. And I've been doing 
just that ever since we hired next year’s “editors.” 

I'm going to level with you, folks: the Gateway is fucked. 
I know plenty of you have been complaining about us this 
year, but let me tell you, at least you actually had a paper 
to bitch about; I’d be surprised if the octet of brain-dead 
droolers we've hired for next year manages to keep the 
paper afloat until September. 

It starts from the top down. Matt Frehner, next year’s 
Editor-in-Chief, is a photographer by trade. A photogra- 
pher. Look, there’s only one reason people who come to 
the Gateway pick up photography: their writing is so ter- 
rible even we won't take them. And it'll be his job to edit 
the entire paper. Look forward to next year’s Gatwuy. 

If he had any help around him, things would be okay, but 
since he evidently hired his staff based on their ability to not 
shit themselves too often, I’m worried. I guess people here 
think that the only responsibilities of the managing editor 
are to dress yourself properly and blink when your eyes 
get dry, because in the two years I've known Chloé Fedio, 
she hasn’t managed much more than that. Although maybe 
they hired her to compliment Natalie Climenhaga, because 
apparently, if there’s anything better than having one emo- 
tionally unstable, boy-crazy perfectionist screaming at you 
in a dog-whistle pitch, it’s having them tag-team you. 

Adam Gaumont couldn't put together a good opinion 
section if Lewis Lapham, Jean-Paul Sartre and Mohammed 
all started volunteering for the Gateway next year, and the 
crowning pinnacle of Mike Kendrick’s time on this earth 
was when he did a centurion with Skittlebrati and puked all 
the colours of the rainbow onto the carpet at RATT. Amanda 
Ash is actually a collection of kittens with terrible taste in 
music wearing sensible sweaters, and Scott Lilwall is not only 
dumb enough to be born in Saskatchewan, he’s proud of it. 
But, you know, at least you can count on the rest of them 
to not berate new volunteers about the “New Jewspiracy,” 
which is more than you can say for Paul Owen—when he’s 
not drunkenly calling everyone a cocksucker, of course. 

In case you think I’m just joking, I’d like to draw your 
attention to the fact that the unfunny, meandering piece 
of horseshit beside this article took the collective will of all 
eight of them to write—can you imagine an article eight 
times worse than that? You just imagined next year’s paper. 

Look, I'd like to tell you to look forward to next year; I'd 
like to say that, after three years here, I’m happy to watch 
someone else carry on my legacy. But I'll be honest with 
you, people: enjoy today’s issue. It’s probably the last one 
you ll ever see. 

A troop of useless chimps would be 
an improvement over this year's staff 



Dave, you ignorant slut. If you think that next year’s incom- 
ing group of editards could possibly be any more incapable 
than this year’s motley crew of babbling boneheads, you've 
got another thing coming. The only legacy the current edi- 
tors are leaving us is one of filthy appliances and chair- 
humping inappropriateness. 

Let’s start with you, Berry, since your writing this year 
has become nothing more than a mere mockery of its past 
glory, and, as a man, you are no more than a hollow shell 
of your former self. The ten-year-old in your closet and the 
sound of your neighbours proudly fucking each other seem 
to be your only source of sexual satisfaction—other than the 
masturbatory shit you litter our pages with. It’s as though the 
more weight you put on, the less amusing you become. 

Speaking of sexual satisfaction, it’s hard to see how Tim 
Peppin could get any editing done with all of the “volun- 
teer relations” he does. Tim’s treated his section as if it were 
one giant speed-dating session with no standards or inhibi- 
tions. It’s a shame that all the creatine he takes has shrunk 
his balls to the point where he can no longer use them. 

And, speaking of small testicles, Mike Larocque has spent 
the greater part of the year encased within his own Jell-O 
mould of televised elitism and empty threats. He possesses 
neither the wit and charm of David Brent, nor the utter ass- 
kickery of Jack Bauer—though he'd like to think he does. 
We're sorry to burst your bubble, Mike, but you're just not 
that funny. And you suck at Mario Kart. 

If taking four hours to write an article and drawing the 
ire of the Pandas field hockey team were a part of the job 
description, Chris O'Leary would have been the consum- 
mate sports editor. Of course, he isn’t. But it’s not Chris’ fault. 
Being nearly 30, he is, of course, required to take his after- 
noon naps. He might be the first sports editor in history less 
likely to relate to the athletes than to their parents. 

I'm not sure Jake even read his job description, though. 
According to Troughtonian logic, the role of the Senior 
News Editor involves coverage of late-breaking stories in 
the fields of hockey, basketball and volleyball, with topics 
such as “tuition” and “elections” taking a backseat. 

Perhaps the only success this year’s editorial squad has had 
can be attributed to Iris Tse. Of course, with a harpy-like 
screech that could shatter the eardrums of a deaf-and-blind 
Shih Tzu pup, it’s a miracle that any of us can still hear to 
respond to her irrational and domineering commands. 

And who can forget the ringleader of this nine-ring circus 
of drooling, semi-literate anthropomorphs? I’m referring 
of course, to Mr Daniel Kaszor, who despite having a cool 
name, is ... oh, who are we kidding? This friendly puppy 
with a shaggy beard and a Batman shirt wouldn't hurt a fly. 
Unless, of course, this fly attempted to publish an inflam- 
matory, inside-joke-laden diatribe on the Gateway’s outgo- 
ing editors, in which case he’d be forced to let loose with 
a string of mild rebukes before quietly shutting himself in 
his office for the next 20 minutes. 

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THE GATEWAY + volume XCVI number 46 


I'm not a knight and youre not a trophy 

Women cant be royalty and commoners both—choose equality or ownership 


OK, I have had enough. Yes, it’s fun to 
roll my bloodshot eyes at the endless 
cavalcade of women who wax nostal- 
gic for the days of chivalry and elabo- 
rate courting rituals, only to sigh and 
sob quietly at the idea of being stuck 
with comparatively boorish modern 
men, but it’s happened once too often. 
So, in this, the year-end issue, let’s 
have a look at what I, a modern man, 
am stuck with. 

Like the dewy-eyed idealist females 
who pine for the days of true gentle- 
men who would bristle at the very idea 
of a woman exerting herself physically 
to any degree, I also long for the past 
in terms of what was offered to me by 
the opposite sex. 

Why, if legends are to be believed, 
there was a time where women were 
loyal creatures who meant what they 
said and said what they meant. I’ve 
even seen cave paintings that depicted 
images of women actually making up 
their minds in any given scenario as 
well, but those, as always, are open to 
anthropological interpretation. 

See, what I find the most hilarious 
about these endless breathy longings 
for gallant men of the past is that these 
women who want the princess treat- 
ment, generally, are willing to offer 
absolutely nothing in return. How 
utterly stunning that I’m supposed to 
lay my coat across a puddle to avoid 
watching a lady sully her handsome 
shoes while even the merest hint of 
my desire to be treated like a prince 
gets the brutal finger of sexism pointed 
into my face faster than you can say, 
“Margaret Atwood.” 

Oh, but surely just her presence is 
enough to justify the endless head- 
aches involved in being around one of 
those girls, right? Hey—not so much. 


The problem is that women who 
wish for the forgotten days of chivalry 
conveniently forget that those same 
days featured women as decorative 
items who were best represented by 
shutting the hell up, looking pretty 
and churning out offspring. That 
Shakespearean jerk lays his coat across 
the puddle because he figures that you, 
as a woman, are too helpless to cross 
without making it your watery grave 
otherwise. Is that how you want to be 
viewed? No, no, let me guess. 

And so, this is what I’m stuck with: a 
bunch. of girls who want to be treated 
like princesses, but have no interest 
in, you know, actually behaving like 
the women of the era for which they 
long. So, it looks like women have a 
choice to make: either accept the fact 
that times have changed, or get good 
at shutting up and looking pretty. No, 
no, let me guess. 

Yeah, you and I both know that 
ain't gonna happen. There are plenty 
of cretins who are willing to hold the 
Camaro door open and to treat you like 
a precious flower to keep you happy 
until something better comes along. 
Then, eventually, jaded and bitter, 
youre ready to look for someone with 

This sack beating goes out to one of 
our own: our Senior News Editor, Mr 
Jake Troughton. 

Jake’s a nice enough guy. | like him. 
He's vegan, yeah, but we don't let that 
get in the way. He’s also forgetful. He 
gets distracted sometimes. Can leave 
things unfinished. Ordinarily, this 
doesn’t cause many problems—the 
paper won't get finalled until mid- 
night, or his closed, locked laptop will 
blare Merle Haggard in an agonizing 
loop—but whatever. We all make 

However, recently, while cooking 

ten brain cells to rub together. 

Now, I'm not as stupid as it probably 
appears. The dating game can really 
suck from both ends, and I’m sure that 
damned near every woman who reads 
this has a big, healthy list of things 
she’s sick of seeing in men, but I don’t 
hear too many guys wishing for the 
days where women were decorations, 
and that’s the difference. ; 

So just let these ridiculous fantasies 
die already. Try reading the whole 
Victorian novel, instead of just the 
parts where you don't have to do any- 
thing. Most of the decent guys I know 
head for the hills as soon as the prin 
cess mentality shows its ugly head, 
and all you're left with are those who 
are either willing to say anything to 
get laid, or the ones who are too stupid 
to see what's coming. You can call it a 
hunch, but I doubt that either of those 
things are what you actually want. 

But, hey, I’m no authority. I haven't 
had a successful relationship since 
Van Halen was good, so maybe I'm 
just that far out of touch with reality. 
Maybe I really do have to be prepared 
to sacrifice coats-a-plenty in order to 
find that special someone. Meh, I'd 
rather keep the coats. 

what was, presumably, some sort of 
flavourless, godawful tofu-based non- 
sense in the microwave, he ambled off. 

The microwave, on the other hand, 
kept doing what it was supposed to. 
Until his food was blackened, and with 
it, the inside of the microwave. That 
was three weeks ago, and despite our 
threats, pleas and protests, Jake has 
refused to clean it. The fucker. 

So, Jake, and for ruining the micro- 
wave, get into the sack. You can use it 
as a scrub-pad when you get out. 


The Burlap Sack is a semi-regular fea- 
ture where a person or group who 
needs to be put ina sack and beaten is 
ridiculed in print. No sack beatings are 
actually administered. 

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MON Wal 

Some helpful advice on how to 
procrastinate for your exams 


Exams. That wonderful time of year 
where you spend hours making com- 
plicated study schedules in your head 
and then fail to follow them, all the 
while explaining to yourself that it’s 
okay because you can still get X number 
of hours of studying done if you just 
alter your future schedule thusly. 

This is the time of year where the 
skills you have developed as a procras- 
tinator truly come into play in a savage 
cycle of self-loathing for not having 
worked harder earlier in the year 
while secretly high-fiving yourself for 
getting a new high score at Tetris. Hell, 
right now I’m supposed to be writing 
a term paper for a genetics class, but, 
instead, I’m writing this article. Try as 
I might, I just can’t make plants seem 
sexy (even after considering how pol- 
lination is basically nature’s money 

If youve like me, and are currently 
seeking ways to waste the next few 
weeks, instead of being “produc- 
tive” like those goddamn curve-ruin- 
ing keeners, then continue reading. 
Otherwise, go back to making study 
notes—this isn’t for you. 

The first time waster I'll mention 
is 24. For those of you who haven't 
ever watched this show, all you really 
need to know is that Jack Bauer is the 
ultimate badass, and that the show 
will swallow your life. It’s the enter- 
tainment industry’s answer to heroin, 
only without the AIDS (though you 
may develop scurvy from spending 
hours staring at your television like a 

If people having their necks broken 
is your can of sauce, or if you simply 

“Tve played so much Resident Evil 4 that I've started 
preparing my household for the mevitable zombie 
invasion, You can laugh now, but when the day comes 
that youre staring down a crazed, chainsaw-wielding 
Spanish peasant and you don’t know how to push ‘A’ 
to dodge, you'll know I was right...” 

find Kiefer Sutherland's voice strangely 
arousing, then this is the TV series for 
you. To those of you out there won- 
dering what I meant just there, I'd like 
to clarify that yes, I would catch for 
Kiefer, but purely as a sign of respect. I 
support our troops. 

Video games are also an enjoyable 
way to regret how you spent your 
time. If you have a few friends, you 
can spend hours on end nerding it 
up in a basement, taking short breaks 
only to urinate and drink more energy 
drinks. Or, if one of your friends hap- 
pens to have a significant other who's 
a nurse, you can get them to catheter 
you so that you no longer have get up 
to pee. If you aren’t so fortunate ... 
well, there are always adult diapers. 

If you decide to go the solo route, 
there are plenty of good games that 
are well worth that C- in biochem. 
Personally, I’ve played so much 
Resident Evil 4 that I’ve started pre- 
paring my household for the inevi- 
table zombie invasion. You can laugh 
now, but when the day comes that 
youre staring down a crazed, chain- 
saw-wielding Spanish peasant and 
you don’t know how to push “A” to 
dodge, you'll know I was right, and 
am probably safe behind half a foot 
of steel, drinking my own urine. 

I've also been told about something 
called World of Warcraft where you 
can spend hours on end fighting orcs, 
or fishing or something. I’m not really 
sure. Personally, when people start 
talking about stuff that isn’t ninjas 
racing wizards on unicorns, I tend to 
tune them out. 

You should also find yourself a 

“Dude, let’s go out,” friend. Or, if 
you happen to be that friend, go buy 
yourself a zany T-shirt—you deserve 
it, you beautiful bastard. This is the 
guy who, no matter what, always 
wants to go out and get somewhere 
along the spectrum of fucked up to 
crunk to balls nasty. And, despite the 
fact that you know you have an exam 
the following Monday, he made a 
pretty good point when he called you 
a pussy. 

I'd like to take a moment now to 
point out the fine line between the, 
“Dude, lets go out” guy who success- 
fully makes you party, and the drunken 
fuck whom, despite the fact that he calls 
you all, you're not sure if anyone you 
know really likes. The difference is that 
the latter is a twat. If you go out looking 
for a party friend, make sure you don't 
accidentally end up with one of those 
fucks. They're harder to get rid of than 
genital warts (and buckshot to the face 
is not a recognized surgical procedure 
and will not be covered by Alberta Blue 

If none of the above is what you 
are looking for in procrastination, 
don’t despair. There are still plenty 
of options for you, like rereading the 
Harry Potter books and then contrast- 
ing them to the Chronicles of Narnia. 
Or, arguing over the Internet about 
them—the difference being that on 
the Internet you don’t actually have to 
have read either to be right. If youre 
still not satisfied, well, I guess there’s 
always chronic masturbation. 

Whatever it is that you choose to do 
except study, good luck, and I hope 
the curve is gentle. 


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THE GATEWAY « volume XCVI number 46 

Do your fucking job, so I don't have to 

Where's the pride in a job well done? Not in HUB, SUB or Juicy, that’s for sure 

I had a great aunt Nessa who was a 
Nazi prostitute during World War II. 
Okay, that’s a lie, but I’m sure that if 1 
did have an aunt Nessa and she was a 
Nazi prostitute, she would have done 
a great job. Doing a job right seems 
to have become a lost art, especially 
around campus. No one I've noticed 
seems to want to do a good job for the 
sake of simply doing a good job. 

Take a stroll down HUB mall—on 
the right-hand side of course, lest 
some oyerstressed History student 
with an 880-page paper due and zero 
job prospects were to run you down 
like a cheetah runs down a gazelle, 
if the cheetah hadn’t shaved in two 
weeks, had coffee-stained clothes, and 
smelled of deodorant and old sweat— 
and you'll see the workers in the 
17-22 age group with apathetic and 
unhelpful looks on their faces. These 
are not the kinds of people I want to 
buy candy from or have cut my hair. 

SUB is arguably worse than HUB. I 
shouldn't have to tell you three times 
that I don’t want any tomato on my 
sub, only to have to pick it off anyways 
after you wrap the fucking thing. It’s to 
the point where I fake a deadly tomato 
allergy and force them to make me 
an entirely new sub—much to the 
chagrin of the other 18 people who 
are still in line—because those who 

work there are about as efficient as a 
diamond-powered rhinoceros robot. 
If you've never seen one of those, take 
it from me, they are pillars of inef- 
ficiency. They make the government 
look like the fucking Japanese auto- 
motive industry. 

I shouldn't have to tell 
you three times that I 
don’t want any tomato 
on my sub, only to have 
to pick it off anyways 
after you wrap the 
fucking thing. It’s to 
the point where I fake a 
deadly tomato allergy 
and force them to 
make me an entirely 
new sub... 

And then, of course, there’s Juicy. 
Now don’t get me wrong, I love the 
Peach Experience as much as the next 
person, but it’s really hard to order 
it when they never fucking have the 
goddamn thing in stock. In fact, by 
Wednesday they’ve run out of every- 
thing good, and youre left choosing 
between mango, passion fruit and the 
mystery smoothie, which is actually 
the leftovers from L’Express’ quiche 
selection the previous day. 

I mean, really, it isn’t that hard to 
listen to what a customer wants and 
then get it for them. If I’m shopping in 
your store and can’t find something, I 

don’t want you to give me a vague idea 
of where it is. If you can’t tell me pre- 
cisely that it is two aisles over, three 
shelves up and three items from the 
end, right next to the Pokémon action 
figures, then just take me over there 
and show me. 

If you can’t make a sandwich prop- 
erly, then get someone else to do 
it. If youre always running out of 
the raspberry smoothie ingredients, 
order more. It doesn’t take a fucking 
Arts degree to manage or work at a 
service-based establishment, though 
it’s probably the only job you can get 
that doesn’t involve selling your anal 
virginity or teaching the same boring 
stuff you've spent the last six years 

This doesn’t simply apply to the ser- 
vice industry, as Students’ Council is 
now going to pay their councilors to, 
umm ... council, essentially because 
not enough of them feel the need 
to do their job properly when they 
weren't getting paid. I don’t care that 
they're getting paid, but what makes 
me feel like going over to their houses 
and kicking their goldfish in the face is 
that, as Catrin Berghoff puts it, “Many 
students see Council as a volunteer 
commitment, and because we never 
fill all our seats there’s a big sense of, 
“Yeah, I might not do a very good job, 
but I sure am better than nobody!’ I 
think this has to change. With pay 
comes expectations, and a feeling of 

That you can't just do your job right 
because it’s your job is something that 
would have made my great aunt Nessa 
gag, and that’s something none of 
those Nazi pricks could manage. 


Kelly’ article disrespectful, 

It’s simply thoughtless and uninformed 
to blame the loss of chivalry and 
romance on one of the most important 
human rights movements of the 2oth 
century (Re: “Treat me like a princess, 
boys,” 4 April). 

Public action and awareness helps 
address women’s issues relating to alco- 
holism, spousal abuse, abortion, birth 
control and equal access to the educa- 
tion we enjoy. How can you seriously 
ignore all the resulting advantages and 
linger on a sentimental past that was 
certainly not as magnificent as the 
romances might have you believe? Only 
afew hundred years ago, you would have 
had to submit your article with a mascu- 
linized nom de plume just to get it pub- 
lished, that is if you were lucky enough 
to be literate. Can we really snub these 
advances for a few starry-eyed nights on 
the town? | would not. 

How many feminists do you encounter 
who scorn other females who allow and 
are flattered by gestures of “civility”? Or, 
are you just articulating the silent groan 
of classroom apprehension towards the 
stereotyped feminist student? 

Most feminism is concerned with iden- 
tifying social, racial, cultural and religious 
issues relevant to women. Consider the 
different international controversies of 
today: genital mutilation, lack of educa- 
tion, unequal wages, violence committed 
against pregnant women and infanticide. 
Would you have preferred if the feminists 
of days past were successfully stifled by 
critics such as yourself? Based on your 
article we're to believe that our current 
heated topic of debate is door opening. 
The feminists, who fought for your right 
to vote, write and think would be sad- 
dened and insulted by your trivialization 
of their labours. 

If it’s cowardice that’s your concern, 
then perhaps you should take a look 
at your own apprehension towards 
the vulnerabilities of courtship. Every 
time you turn away a guy with a Baskin 
Robbins coupon and scoff at the missed 
opportunity to swoon and smile pretty- 
like beneath a lance stained with the 
blood of social activists you should 
remember that not long afterward, that 
guy is unhappily replacing his protec- 
tive armour while asking himself when 
romance really died. 

Next time, you should consider the 
true concerns of the groups you are 
trying to condemn. Gays, women and 
minorities are not so much concerned 
with who will open their next door, they 
just want to know who or what is wait- 
ing for them on the other side. 

History IV 

English IV 

Perhaps a lack of chivalry 
not responsible for dating 

In“Treat me like a princess, boys,” (4 April) 
Michelle Kelly writes that she wants to 
be “wined, dined and treated like royalty.” 
| want a woman who is hot, sexy, hyper- 
intelligent, emotionally stable, submis- 
sive enough to accomodate my wishes 
and desires before her own—but not 
servile in the process—and willing to let 
me sleep with other women while she 
maintains a monogamous relationship 
with me. She will also ride a unicorn to 
work every day, and be friends with mer- 
maids and fairies. 

Hey, Blue Roses, in a Girls Gone Wild 
era of hooking-up, feel free to gather 
your jonquils and wait for your gentle- 
men callers to arrive for your “dates.” 
The rest of us will continue to pick up 
low-expectation-having club skanks and 

bar stars who aren't afraid to get low. 

Let’s be honest: dating is an anti- 
quated concept. Women who demand 
to be swept off their feet and treated 
like princesses are like women who try 
to find men who don't look at porn or 
masturbate. In other words, good luck, 

Modern dating revolves around the 
lack of a traditional date pretense. If you 
casually go out with someone, and a cer- 
tain chemistry develops, then guide the 
conversation in that direction. If they 
turn out to be stupid, mock them relent- 
lessly, and then leave. Oh, you hate that 
kind of freedom? Sorry, Bea Arthur, but 
you were born a few decades too late. 

In 2006, | have been on twelve dates 
with twelve different girls. | suppose | 
can't call them dates, though, since the 
term was never used. However, when 
the night ends with the girl either run- 
ning out of the restaurant in tears after 
trying to stab me with a broken beer 
bottle, or with my genetic material on 
her chest, face and back, then I’m not 
sure what else to call it. 

Of course, it’s entirely possible that 
Im completely delusional, and chivalry 
isn't dead. If this is true, then maybe the 
lack of chivalry isn’t the reason you can’t 
get a date. 


Engineering alumnus 

Letters to the editor should be dropped 
off at room 3-04 of the Students’ Union 
Building,ore-mailedto opinion @gateway. 

The Gateway reserves the right to edit 
letters for length and clarity, and to refuse 
publication of any letter it deems racist, 
sexist, libelous or otherwise hateful in 

Letters tothe editor should be no longer 
than 350 words, and should include the 
name, student identification number, pro- 
gram and year of study of the author, to 
be considered for publication. 

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Unseen artists go front and centre for Timms exhibition 



TAKING CENTRE STAGE Technical theatre student Maya Jarvis gets her chance in the spotlight. 

Behind the Curtain 

Department of Drama Portfolio Exhibition 
5-8April, 12-9pm 

Timms Centre 

Arts & Entertainment Writer 

Theatre—quite literally—puts the spotlight on the 
stars of the show. The actors and actresses on stage 
are tasked with holding the audience’s attention, 
but while they might be the ones gracing the stage 
while the audience is in their seats, the techni- 
cal crew behind the production has been work- 
ing tirelessly before and during the production 
to make sure everything has gone off without a 
hitch. Stuck behind the curtain during this year’s 
performances at the Timms Centre, those whose 
job it is to stay behind the scenes are putting their 
work on display this week for all to see. 

“A really good design is one that isn’t noticed,” 
explains Maya Jarvis, the director of Behind the 
Curtain, a portfolio exhibition put on by the 
Department of Drama's technical production, 
stage management and theatre design students. 
“Tf [the audience] comes out saying ‘Oh wow, the 
set was beautiful,’ or “Those costumes were great, 
then you've failed as a designer, because you've 
distracted them.” 

By displaying their work, Jarvis and her con- 
temporaries hope to expose some of the back- 
stage elements of modern theatre to those who 
may not fully understand what theatre design, 
management or technical production involves. 

“T's for the theatre community to see what 
were doing, but also for [other] people to see 
what theatre design is. 1 remember when I went to 
my first portfolio show, I had no idea what theatre 
design was. You really don’t fathom how much 
work goes into it until you actually do it ... 1 want 
to show people how it works.” 

On display are “model boxes’—-scaled replicas 
of what the design team would like to build for 

future plays—as well as costume designs, techni- 
cal drawings, lighting and selected works by vari- 
ous stage managers. “Crazy, crazy designs; some 
are realistic, some are surreal,” describes Jarvis. 

She explains that dealing with various levels of 
realism in stage designs is an important element 
of the art itself: An authentic theatrical produc- 
tion requires much deliberation to find a balance 
between the ideals of'a romantic director, and the 
pragmatism of a judicious technical manager. 

“When I design, I do think about the [aesthetic 
aspect of the] show, but I also need to think 
about how well an idea is going to work. There 
are many times when I need to worry about 
the people who are making and building [my 
designs]. I know a girl who made these beau- 
tiful gates for a production, but they were 200 
pounds and had to be moved by techs, which 
was dangerous. They could have hurt themselves 

Combining an unobtrusive, yet relevant and 
visually appealing set design with the realities 
of budgets, practicality and safety considerations 
make the task of producing an effective stage 
environment a daunting undertaking. However, 
one of the attractions of this exhibition is that it 
offers designers an uncommon degree of artistic 
freedom, as well as the ability to circumvent some 
of the restraints brought on by economics and 

“A lot of the model boxes are actually theo- 
retical designs, not meant to be used in an actual 
play, so they're made without much of a budget 
in mind. [Consequently], some of them are fan- 
tastic, but then you go into the real world and 
are told ‘this is how much wood you can use, 
and you have to decide what you can make out 
of that.” 

The exhibition highlights some of the best 
designs the University of Alberta BFA and MFA 
students have to offer, and helps give both cur- 
rent and potential theatre patrons a better under- 
standing of the art behind the curtain. 

Controversial Bigger Than Jesus set to be the passion of The Citadel 

Bigger ThanJesus 
Directed by Daniel Brooks 
Starring Rick Miller 
Opens Thursday, 6April 
Citadel Theatre 

Arts & Entertainment Staff 

Controversy can be a great ticket seller, especially 
when the controversial topic happens to be reli- 
gion. Whether it’s The Passion of the Christ or 
Jesus Christ Superstar, you can guarantee that 
a whirlwind of chatter will emerge starting 
with the production's construction, and come 
its release, signs reading “sold out” are sure to 
be a common sight. However, according to 
Rick Miller, co-writer and actor in the Citadel’s 
upcoming play Bigger Than Jesus, controversy 
doesn’t mean just a good run at the box office; 
instead, it means more people will be exposed to 
the messages being conveyed. 

“Bigger Than Jesus is controversial in ways 
that some people think Jesus Christ Superstar 
is controversial,” says Miller. “To some people, 
Jesus being portrayed by anyone is sacrilegious, 
and that’s too bad; that’s just being close-minded 
and ignorant, and not constructive in any way. 
We're doing the play around Easter, which is 
what the theatre chose to do, and me speaking 
the Catholic Liturgy, being crucified and resur- 
rected on Easter Sunday is going to be interesting. 
But as far as I’m concerned, so be it. [The audi- 
ence] will be provoked, they'll be challenged, 
and the controversy only creates a more interest- 
ing dialogue amongst them.” 

For the most part, Bigger Than Jesus—a recipi- 
ent of three Dora Awards (a Canadian award for 
excellence in theatre)—is a one-man production 
saturated with ideas and emotional experience. 
The play deals with Christianity taken from the 

point of view of a lapsed Catholic, and through- 
out its duration on stage, the production portrays 
a number of characters attempting to come to 
terms with how Christianity came about, what it 
means and how it’s represented within the con- 
text of contemporary media and technological 

“Bigger Than Jesus is what we call a multime- 
dia mass for a modern age,” explains Miller. “It’s 
not a play in the conventional sense in that you're 
following simple characters’ stories. Rather, it’s 
based on the Catholic Liturgy, which is a reen- 
actment of the Last Supper. So, it’s based on the 
Jesus story, but we take it in really surprising and 
interesting directions.” 

Of those unconventional directions taken by 
the play is the usage of live video feed. Using 
technological mediums to express different 
points of view, Miller attempts to represent the 
complicated nature of Christianity with the jux- 
taposition of various video images. To Miller, 
Christianity in itself has become “bigger than 
Jesus’”—a phrase coined by John Lennon—and 
obscured from its reality. Miller says he addresses 
this problem by transferring the Jesus story into 
a pop-culture setting, a technical decision that 
serves to evoke modern reflections from both 
Christian and non-Christian audiences. 

“You don’t have to be a lapsed Catholic, you 
don’t even have to believe in anything to see 
the show,” says Miller. “In fact, it’s probably 
great for atheists to see this, because people who 
have turned off religion completely associate 
very negative things with organized religion, 
churches and that type of thing. But what I feel 
is this search for something, and these questions 
we ask about things beyond ourselves are clearly 
a huge part of our lives, and whether it comes out 
as religion or philosophy, there’s a place for these 
questions, and some people just don’t feel com- 
fortable asking them in the context of a church. 

Bigger Than Jesus is a sort of alternative that goes 
back to the origins of theatre, which was rooted 
in ritual and religious experience.” 

The many “technological miracles,” as Miller 
calls them, are parallels for the awe-inspiring 
actions taken by Jesus during his life, and like the 
transcendental connection he’s making between 
past and present, Miller hopes that his audience, 
too, will come away with some sort of response, 
a goal that is much bigger to him than raking in 

the dough with a successful box office showing. 

“Anyone who is asking questions about what 
all this spirituality business is and who is curi- 
ous about the phenomenon of Christianity is 
going to come out with a lot of reactions and a 
lot of opinions,” Miller says. “They might have a 
great time, or they might be provoked and keep 
the conversation going for a couple hours after- 
wards. I think when I've caused a reaction, that’s 
a measure of success.” 

THE GATEWAY « volume XCVI number 46 


Bloated Slevin drowns in plot, characters 

Otherwise clever film is dragged down by excessive storylines and personalities 

Lucky Number Slevin 
Directed by Paul McGuigan 
Starring Josh Hartnett, Morgan 
Freeman, Bruce Willis, Lucy Liu, 
Ben Kingsley 

Opens Friday, 7April 

Arts & Entertainment Staff 

Linearity and predictability in cinema 
can be both a blessing and a curse. 
Sometimes, we want to see the end 
of the story, a factor in the popularity 
of romantic comedies. Other times, a 
predictable tale can seem time wast- 
ing and trite. This, along with a non- 
linear storyline drowns the ambitious 
plot of Lucky Number Slevin, ruining 
a movie that otherwise could have 
been this year’s most original film. 

Lucky Number Slevin—an early 
candidate for both most clever and 
most annoying movie title of 2006— 
stars Josh Hartnett as Slevin, a man 
who comes down with a case of 
bad luck while staying at a friend’s 
house. After being mistaken for the 
homeowner by a couple of mobsters, 
Slevin finds himself owing a lot of 
his money to both The Boss (Morgan 
Freeman) and Shlomo (Ben Kingsley), 
two rival crime godfathers. The plot 
unfolds as Slevin gets pulled deeper 
and deeper into the criminal world 
of the two rivals, while a mysterious 
assassin named Mr Goodkat (Willis) 
seems to be working against Slevin in 
the shadows. 

Essentially a story of mistaken 
identity, Lucky Number Slevin plays 
out like a film noir crime drama, 
with several storylines developing at 
the same time and plenty of “loose 
ends,” with the intention of them all 
coming together in the end of the 
movie. Unfortunately, this ends up 
working against the film, as Slevin 
comes out as an overbearing movie 

that’s overloaded with plot. There are 
such a multitude of characters and 
events—which admittedly are all 
linked together in the final few min- 
utes—that occur during the duration 
of the story that it becomes difficult 
to remember everything that’s going 
on in front of you. It all feels so mud- 
dled that you might as well bring a 
pen and pad of paper in to the theatre 
with you. 

I desperately wanted 
to like Lucky Number 
Slevin. It has all the 
elements necessary 
to make an exciting, 
mind-turning, ifnot 
wholly original crime 
drama, but falters on 
delivery, turning what 
could be an excellent 
film into a merely 
average one. 

But I can live with that; there 
aren't many movies that challenge 
the viewer to think. But what really 
ruined Lucky Number Slevin for me 
was the lack of suspense in what 
should be a riveting crime drama. 
Movies like this thrive on the sus- 
pense of the unknown, which keeps 
the audience on the edge of their seat 
and actually caring about how the 
story unfolds. This tension is never 
achieved in Slevin, a fault that is crip- 
pling and unforgivable in a film like 

To be fair, Josh Hartnett is a great 
young actor and his performance 

definitely carried the movie. The 
humour Hartnett brings to his role 
is easily among the better parts of 
the film, and his performance made 
Slevin the only character that mat- 
tered, or that people cared about. 

From there, the characters of the 
“all-star cast” become disposable 
and bland. Morgan Freeman and 
Ben Kingsley both reeked of being 
miscast; it’s hard to see the kindly 
Penguin narrator and Gandhi as 
ruthless mob overlords, and neither 
of them seemed particularly com- 
fortable playing these parts. Bruce 
Willis, on the other hand, plays the 
clichéd Mr Goodkat—a soft-spoken 
but deadly hitman—who could very 
well have been lifted out of dozens of 
other thrillers. 

Trumping them all, however, is 
Lucy Liu, who plays Slevin’s love 
interest and next-door neighbour. 
Her role in the movie was easily the 
most meaningless, and worse than 
just being a disposable character, 
her inclusion in Slevin felt like a last- 
minute addition simply for the sake 
of another big name, and, worse yet, 
a choice made simply for sex appeal. 

What makes all these negative com- 
ments so tough to say is that the script 
and direction are both fairly decent. 
Paul McGuigan’s direction with Jason 
Smilovic’s script is skillfully done and 
just barely falls short of making their 
ambitious ideas work smoothly. It’s 
little things that hurt Slevin, like edit- 
ing, which was needed more than a 
couple times to cut down—or out 
completely—the pointless scenes 
with Hartnett and Liu. 

I desperately wanted to like Lucky 
Number Slevin. It has all the elements 
necessary to make an exciting, mind- 
turning, if not wholly original crime 
drama, but falters on delivery, turn- 
ing what could be an excellent film 
into a merely average one. 

. $319.99 

activewear bike service figure skating _ lacrosse snowboarding tennis 

badminton curling goal ringette soccer triathlon 
ball cycling hockey rugby squash volleyball 

basketball equipment repair inline skate sharpening + team sales wrestling 



‘A hilarious and gloriously 


sendup of Washington’s culture of 
shameless spin.’ 

JonatHan ater, Newsweek. 

Aaron Maria Adam Sam Katie Rob_ William H. |, Rob 


Based on the best-selling novel 




Check for Showtimes 




THE GATEWAY + volume XCVI number 46 


Kingdom Hearts sequel bolstered by 

KingdomHearts II 

Square-Enix, Buena Vista Games 
Playstation 2 

Rated E for Everyone 

On Sale Now 


The first Kingdom Hearts game 
shouldn't have worked. The rather 
bizarre title was the video game equiv- 
alent of Danger Mouse’s famous mash- 
up The Grey Album, splicing together 
the odd pairing of Squaresoft’s popu- 
lar Final Fantasy series and more than 
a dozen Disney properties. Beyond 
the peculiar media pairing, the battle 
system employed was simplistic and 
hard to use, and the camera system 
made following the action headache 
inducing at best. Yet despite all that the 
game was fun; the strange postmodern 
charm of the Final Fantasy-style epic 
quest through the magical worlds of 
Disney helped the game sell millions of 

Now, almost four years _ later, 
Squaresoft has become Square-Enix 
and Kingdom Hearts II has finally 
hit stores. Almost every aspect of the 
game is an improvement over its pre- 
quel, but, if you didn’t buy into the 
Disney world-hopping adventures the 
first time, KHII isn’t going to change 
your mind. 

Firstly, the battle system has been 
much improved. Although, at its core, 
the fighting plays out in a similar fash- 
ion to the original, the controls have 
been simplified, with short cuts to 
make them easier to use. On top of 
this, new options—such as the abil- 
ity to transform your character by 
merging him with another to gain 

new abilities, and a context-sensitive 
reaction system triggered by the tri- 
angle button—add a layer of strategy 
that was missing from the first game. 
Additionally, the camera, though not 
perfect, isn’t spastic anymore, so fig- 
uring out what’s going on won't make 
your eyes bleed. 

Graphically, the 
game is put together 
beautifully. The first 
KHwas one of the 
few titles to capture 
the look of three 
dimensional cartoon 
characters without 
using glaring and 
overly stylized cell 
shading techniques. 

Graphically, the game is put together 
beautifully. The first KH was one of the 
few titles to capture the look of three 
dimensional cartoon characters with- 
out using glaring and overly stylized 
cell shading techniques. However, all 
of the game areas felt small and box- 
like—not much like entire worlds, 
but showpiece sets of worlds. The 
graphics in the sequel are only slightly 
more detailed than those of its prede- 
cessor, but, the areas in the game are 
much larger and do a much better job 
of capturing the feeling of an actual 
expansive world beyond the small 
playable areas. It isn’t Grand Theft 
Auto, but it’s a vast improvement. 

Strangely, the weakest part of 



“This is a very exciting time for the 

Kingdom Hearts II is also its biggest 
draw: its complex and sometimes 
downright convoluted _ storyline. 
Firstly, if you didn’t play the first 
Kingdom Hearts you'll be totally lost, 
and if you didn’t play the Gameboy 
interlude, you should probably at least 
read a synopsis of it. Secondly, the 
game gets off to a fairly slow start, 
and even when it does get going, you 
sometimes start wondering what the 
point of the bizarre summary-style 
readings of each Disney story you 

University of Alberta—a time of discovery. 

At no other time in history has information 

bcen so abundant, and knowledge so prized” 

Indira V Samarasekera, OC 
President and Vice-Chancellor 

_ i Heineken 
meet youthere Aw 

see is. 

Yet, that’s the strangely attractive 
part game as well. While playing, it’s 
fun to see just how the Disney proper- 
ties will be matched and mixed with 
the over-arching plot of the game. In 
that way the story really only works in 
a postmodern way; if you aren't famil- 
iar with at least some of the texts that 
are being referenced, you probably 
won't enjoy the truncated series of 
half-stories that are presented assum- 
ing your knowledge of their source 

CLIO waveanpes 


Jack Sparrow and Steamboat Willy 

material. The postmodernism doesn’t 
go much further than that though— 
the fourth wall isn’t blatantly broken 
like in was in the pomo-mindfuck 
classic Metal Gear Solid 2—so there 
isn’t any reason to break out your liter- 
ary theory textbooks while playing. 

Overall, the game is a strong 
improvement and complement to 
the first one, but it is a sequel in the 
truest sense. Don’t pick this game 
up unless youre already a fan of the 

Edmonton international 



thursday, 6 april, 2006 



The catch: 

This is your one chance - scholarship 
money is only available to those who 
attend the Vancouver Film School 
Canada Roadshow 2006. 

Schmooze us 
when the Roadshow stops in 

Friday May 12 @ 6pm 

Delta Edmonton Centre Suite Hotel, 

10222 102 St. 
RSVP for this event or call 
1.800.661.4101 ext 4013 


Vancouver Film School 
Where Results Matter 


Hawksley Workman 
Friday, 7 April at 8pm 
The PowerPlant 

With classes finally coming to a close, | 
think we could all use a bit of a breather. 
There's always the option of drinking 
or sitting at home in your underwear, 
of course, but do you really want to 
be your own source of entertain- 
ment? How about this: after handing 
in that dreaded paper/assignment this 
Friday, head down to the PowerPlant 
and relax to the melodies of Hawksley 
Workman, one of Canada’s finest 

Known for his breathy vocals and 
brilliant acoustics, Hawksley Workman 
is definitely an act worth catching 
while he’s in town. Hawksley has just 
released a new album entitled Treeful 
Of Starling, and judging by the amount 
of attention it has garnered, you can 
guarantee his performance will be 

Crash The Lab 

Works by the U of A Installation 
Art Class 

11—12 April from 10am to 6pm 
South Lab 

Have you ever had that urge to paint 
a mural on floor? Or what about that 
burning desire to tear down your 
bedroom walls and reassemble them 
into the shape of an existential space 
machine? If so, you can live vicariously 
through 13 talented Fine Arts students 
and their latest project, entitled Crash 
The Lab. 

The South Lab on campus is due for 
demolishing in a few weeks’ time, so 
rather than letting all of the space go 

to waste, the Department of Art and 
Design has given free reign to a class 
of installation-art students, allowing 
them to transform the building into 
numerous sculptures—works of art 
that you can actually walk through. The 
students have been working individu- 
ally and collaboratively on the project, 
and since their work will quite literally 
be gone ina couple of weeks, check out 
this makeshift art gallery while you still 
have the chance. 


Featuring Sweet Reprise, 
Stickfigure, The Coalition, 
Smoothride, Lucidream, 

DJ Suave, Lara Yule Singh, 
Apache Rose, TwentyoneRed, 
Shred of Decency, Subatomics 
and Thea Newmann and the 
Grant Mac SurfJlazz Alumni 
11-12 April, 71-7pm 


Although finals are looming around 
the corner, don’t let the number of 
unopened textbooks get you down. In 
fact, there must be a study somewhere 
that says partying, drinking and rock- 
ing out increases memory capacities of 
brain cells or something, so taking that 
bit of pseudo-information into account, 
make sure to catch this final shindig. 

The Business Students’ Association is 
hosting the event, and thanks to their 
detailed planning, they've been able to 
muster up an impressive bunch of local 
bands that are just itching for the chance 
to make you dance exuberantly and spill 
your drink on the guy/girl beside you. 
Pizza, barbequed delicacies and raffle 
tickets will be available for purchase at 
the event, but the real topper will be 
the chance to win a free trip to Jasper. If 
drinking and partying during the climax 
of four months of work isn’t a good idea, 
| don’t want to know what is. 


incoming Entertainment Editor 

The Student Awards Office has several scholarship competitions running over the summer. 
* Each competition has its own set of criteria and eligibility requirements as outlined in the following descriptions. 

- For more information on these and other competitions please visit our website at 
or the Student Awards Office at 1-80 Students’ Union Building. 

University of Alberta Undergraduate Academic Scholarship Competition 

The Undergraduate Academic Scholarship Competition recognizes and rewards students for superior academic achieve- 
ment (minimum GPA of 3.5) on a full normal course load taken at the University of Alberta during the September to April 
academic year. Applicants must be returning to full-time studies in September 2006 to be eligible for these scholarships. 

There are approximately 300 awards available through this competition. The awards range in value from $500 to $4,000 

with some being Faculty specific and some open to students in any Faculty. 

Students can submit their applications on-line at 

The deadline to apply is 30 September 2006. 

Louise McKinney Post-Secondary Scholarships 

The Louise McKinney Post-Secondary Scholarship Competition was created by the Alberta Scholarship Office to recognize 
and reward students for their academic achievements and encourage them to continue in their undergraduate program. 
Approximately 250 scholarships valued at $2,500 each are available to University of Alberta students in the top 1 to 2% of 
their class. Candidates are nominated by the Student Awards Office and will be sent an application form in June. 

Applicants must be Alberta residents and plan to enroll at the University of Alberta in the second or subsequent year of 
a full-time program. Students who have completed a degree program and are proceeding into another undergraduate 
program or a professional program must apply directly to the Student Awards Office by 01 June 2006. 

Canada Millennium National In-course Excellence Awards 

The Canada Millennium Scholarship Foundation created this scholarship program to recognize students for community 
service, academic achievement, leadership, and innovation. These awards are available to students entering their third year 
of undergraduate studies in September 2006 who have achieved a minimum cumulative GPA of 3.3 on 80% (minimum) of 

a full normal course load. 

The University of Alberta can nominate up to 31 students. The awards range in value from $4,000 to $10,000. 

Application forms are available at 

Deadline for submission of applications to the Student Awards Office is 01 June 2006 

Jason Lang Scholarship 

The Jason Lang Scholarships were created in honor of Jason Lang, a 17 year old Alberta high 
school student who was killed in a school shooting. These $1,000 scholarships are designed 
to reward the outstanding academic achievement of Alberta postsecondary students who 

are continuing into their second, third, or fourth year of studies. 

Applicants must be Alberta residents who have achieved a minimum GPA of 3.2 on 24 units 

of course weight in their previous year of studies (September to April). 

Students can submit their applications on-line at 

The deadline to apply is 15 September 2006. 

THE GATEWAY + volume XCVI number 46 


Caché (Hidden) 
Directed by Michael Haneke 
Starring Juliette Binoche and 
Daniel Auteuil 

Opens 7April, 2006 
Princess Theatre 

Arts & Entertainment Staff 

French filmaker Michael Haneke’s 
Caché (Hidden) opens, rather conven- 
tionally, with a view of a streetscape. 
It is not long, however, before we start 
to feel uncomfortable with the length 
of the shot and the unobstructed real- 
ism of street sounds. With no musi- 
cal segue from the scene into flashy 
credits or an inviting new shot, the 
audience begins to feel that they are 
not watching alone. Eventually the 
scene rewinds and it becomes clear 
that what they have been witnessing 
is a surveillance video. 

When Anne (Juliette Binoche) and 
Georges Laurent (Daniel Auteuil) 
start to receive this video surveillance 
of their home, delivered on their 
front step and wrapped in childish 
drawings of a face with a bloodied 
mouth, they're understandably per- 
plexed and upset. Anne is a pub- 
lisher at a well-respected publishing 
house, while George is the host of a 
highly rated talk show that reviews 
the latest books, and both are loving 
and conscientious parents to their 
twelve-year-old son, Pierrot (Lester 
Makedonsky). The arrival of the tapes 
makes them worry for his safety, and 
also gets them wondering who has 
decided to terrorize their family, and 
for what reason. 

As more tapes start to arrive and 
begin to reveal an intimate knowl- 
edge of Georges’ past—including a 
tape of his childhood home in the 

Cinematography shows many angles of Caché 

French countryside—it becomes 
clear that his stalker wants to remind 
Georges of his part in the life of an 
Algerian boy decades earlier. Georges 
works to piece together this mystery 
of his past returning to him, and to 
make restitution with a secret he’s 
kept hidden for years. 

... the movie makes 
sure to show that the 
Laurent family are, 
despite harbouring a 
secret, good people. 
Their “goodness” is 
not precarious in the 
way of Tom Stall in A 
History of Violence, 
but rather it exists in 
a genuine and almost 
altruistic form. 

The cinematography used in Caché 
is one of the most compelling ele- 
ments of the film. The first shots of 
the surveillance video establishes the 
precariousness of the audience's per- 
spective, accentuating the difference 
between seeing and understand- 
ing. The frequent limitations of the 
audience’s perspective in this film 
work not only to heighten the sense 
of paranoia and suspense, but also 
as a metaphor for the occasionally 
blurry line between innocence and 

Adding to the suspense, Caché 
works to keep the identity of the 
videographer mysterious, reveal- 

ing mainly that the culprits aim is 
to make Georges feel guilty. The 
strength of this film, therefore, is 
not in the “whodunit,” but rather 
the way in which it asks the question 
of guilt and responsibility. When 
Georges tries to absolve himself of 
his past mistake by attributing it to 
his youth, the audience acutely expe- 
riences his psychological torment and 
uncertainty. Even Anne underscores 
her husband’s uncertainty at one 
point with the piercing and pointed 
question, “What did you do to 

To complicate matters, the movie 
makes sure to show that the Laurent 
family are, despite harbouring a 
secret, good people. Their “good- 
ness” is not precarious in the way of 
Tom Stall in A History of Violence, 
but rather it exists in a genuine and 
almost altruistic form. Therefore it is 
impossible to slot them in the bad- 
guy category and as a result, when 
the movie resounds with the impor- 
tant and relevant question of why 
these people hate Georges, it forces 
an introspective reflection. 

Although Haneke has been accused 
of heavy-handedness and even sadism 
in some of his other films, this movie 
is rather restrained. Caché manages 
to imbue Anne and Georges with 
enough psychological complexity 
to save them from ideological pup- 
petry, and while the story is always 
stretching outward, pointing at the 
macrocosm, it’s the microcosm of 
domesticity and individual thought 
processes which propel the story for- 
ward, making it digestible and poi- 
gnant. The last long, extended scene 
of the movie perhaps makes this 
point most dramatically. That is, if its 
relevance can be detected within the 
seemingly banal goings-on. 

Kissing in 29 Days 
Northern Blues Music 

Arts & Entertainment Staff 

As a blues musician, JW Jones, or “J- 
Dub” as he apparently calls himself, 
is good enough not to need a day 
job. He and his band’s jump-blues 
sound recalls the style repolularized 
by The Brian Setzer Orchestra, and 
swinging numbers on the album like 
“Parasomnia’—as well as the unti- 
tled “secret song’—are fun, toe-tap- 
ping originals. 

The problem is that, well, Jones 
just can’t sing—at least not well 
enough to front a band. His thin, 
underpowered voice is straight out 
of the local Karaoke bar, and isn’t cut 
out for even the relatively soft-core 
world of swing. He’s got a long way 
to go before anyone mistakes him for 

Howlin‘ Wolf. 

That said, he does have the chops 
on guitar, and is supported by an 
equally talented ensemble. Jones 
cranks it up another notch by having 
former Ray Charles saxophonist David 
“Fathead” Newman support him on 
three of the tracks, including Charles’ 
own classic, “Hallelujah, I Love Her 

Unfortunately for Jones, however, 
emulating Charles only serves to 
remind us of his musical inferiority 
to such an R&B legend, and proves 
to be better off when doing his own 
material, of which there is an impres- 
sive amount—especially for the 
cover-happy blues genre. 






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21 + thursday, 6 april, 2006 

Carline Muir heads up first-ever Gateway sports awards 

Dressed formally for voting 

On behalf of the Gateway sports staff, I'd like to 
welcome you to the inaugural presentation of the 
Gateway Sports Awards. The ever-dedicated folks 
that make up the Gateway’s sports staff spent 
hours (at least two, officially) debating on who 
we could label as the créme de la créme of this 
campus’ athletics programs. With today mark- 
ing the last issue of the Gateway for the 2005/06 
school year, there’s no better time than now to 
reflect on the successes of our athletes, and, in 
the spirit of sport, determine who can separate 
themselves even further from their peers based 
on their achievements of this past year. 

Before we get into the nitty-gritty of the GSA’s, 
you should become familiar with the panel of 
writers who decided the winners of the follow- 
ing awards. 

Chris O'Leary 

Outgoing sports editor; spent three seasons 
covering sports. 


Incoming sports editor with two years 

Jake Troughton 

Outgoing senior news editor and sports editor 
in 2004/05. Three years experience. 

Ross Prusakowski 

Super-volunteer; has turned in the copy of ten 
men over the last three years. 


Crunch-time sports writer with three years 
experience who can churn out a quality story 
on a minute’s notice. 


Sports volunteer of two years. Uses his quick 
wit to pull stellar quotes out of his interview 

Athlete of the Year 
Carline Muir, Track and field 

PO: It’s hard to argue with results, and that’s 
exactly what Carline Muir has delivered in her 
first year. Muir entered the U of A with loads of 
talent and under loads of pressure to become a 
premiere, national-level track athlete, and that’s 
exactly what she’s done. Her three gold medals at 
CIS and Canada West make her one of the most 
decorated athletes on campus. The scary thing? 
She can only get better and faster. 

RC: The U of A’s, and probably Canada’s, stron- 
gest young sprinter lived up to all of the hype that 
surrounded her going into the season. This year, 
Muir won three Canada West gold medals, in the 
individual 300m sprint and as a member of both 
the 4x200m and 4x400m relay teams. At the CIS 
championships, the relay teams brought home 
gold again. Canada West and CIS both picked 
her as their female Rookie of the Year, and she 
was also named Canada West’s top female track 
performer. Her coaches and peers fully expect 
Muir to be an Olympian, and the U of A couldn’t 
have a better representative on the world stage. 
An outstanding athlete and all-around class act, 
Muir definitely deserves this award. 

CO: I don’t think people realize how fast this 
girl really is. I spent all of Tuesday and Wednesday 
trying to catch her for an interview and she 
wasn't in my sight once during this period. 

Honourable mention: Kristen Haag, Pandas 

Coach of the year 
CarlaSomerville, Pandas field hockey 

PO: When people talk about why the Pandas 
won the national title, invariably it comes down 
to their hard work, great goaltending and team 
effort. That they beat the supposedly unbeat- 
able UBC twice in the same year was a huge step 
for the team. These kind of results come from 
having a great coaching staff, and that makes 
Carla Somerville the Coach of the Year. She took 

a team unlikely to win a title and made them 

RC: Bears hockey coach Eric Thurston did a 
great job this year, bringing the Bears to a second- 
straight national championship in his first season 
as head coach. Somerville, though, gets the 
honour from me specifically because it isn’t her 
first year coaching. Somerville has been coaching 
the Pandas since 2002. She built this team, and 
when they won their first-ever national cham- 
pionship (to little fanfare) in November, it was 
thanks to her coaching. 

JT: It’s no contest here, really. Somerville took 
a team that was a fairly heavy underdog and con- 
vinced them they could beat a UBC Thunderbirds 
team that hadn't lost in two years—then shocked 
everyone by actually doing it on the first week- 
end of the season. Then they did it again in the 
final, along the way clearly outclassing the rest 
of the field (including Victoria, who have tradi- 
tionally traded championships with UBC). But 
no one outside of the Pandas themselves really 
expected them to win, and Somerville made it 

Rookie of the Year 
Carline Muir, Pandas track and field 

CO: If you've got a rookie winning your Athlete 
of the Year award, how can she not win Rookie 
of the Year? 

JT: This is pretty obvious, for all the reasons 
my esteemed colleagues gave for naming her 
Athlete of the Year. Three gold medals, all by 
wide margins, is impressive for anyone, let alone 
an 18-year-old rookie. In conclusion: Muir is 
really, really fast, and I don’t even want to think 
about how fast she’s going to get. 

RC: What cements this pick in my mind is the 
remarkable fact that Carline Muir is here at the U 
of A at all. Instead of taking a full-ride scholar- 
ship to the States, she chose to stay in Canada 
and work with the coaches and athletes at the 
U of A. In track and field especially, Canada’s 
highest-calibre athletes have tended in the past 
to head south to train and study; Muir's deci- 
sion to stay here is a testament to the quality of 
training that this country can offer. Hopefully 
more young athletes will follow in her footsteps, 
and Canadian training facilities will continue to 
improve to accommodate them. 

Honourable mention: Aaron Sorochan and 
Dylan Stanley, who in normal years could each 
have been easy choices. 

Underrated athlete of the year 
Tyson Jones, Bears basketball 

RC: You don’t notice him too much, but if you 
pay attention, you'll see the leadership he brings 
to the court. 

CO: I've always thought that when Tyson's on 
his game, he does all the little things that get his 
team wins. 

Honourable mention: David Bissett, one of 
the most underrated bobsledders in the world at 
the beginning of the year. 

Mostimproved player 
Jocelyn Blair, Pandas volleyball 

CO: Jocelyn Blair came from nowhere this year 
into a big role with the Pandas volleyball team. 
JT: She was on the Pandas last year? 
RP: Exactly. I pick Jocelyn Blair 

Honourable mention: Tim Krymusa 

Best interview 
DonHorwood, Bears basketball 

CO: I remember in my first year with the paper, 
Ihad to do a preview of a Bears/Dinos basketball 
game. It was the first preview I'd ever written 
and I had no idea what to ask. I went to Horwood 
during practice and asked him a couple of really 
lame questions and then froze up. I basically told 
him that I didn’t know what I was doing. Rather 
than just staring at me like I was an idiot, which 

he was in every way entitled to do, he gave me 
a five-minute long spiel on the strengths of both 
schools, and how the Battle of Alberta carries 
over into every game they play. The guy can 
give you a quality answer to what’s basically an 
inexperienced reporter’s confession that has no 
idea what he’s doing in this gym with a recorder 
and notepad in hand that won't stop shaking. The 
least I can do is give the guy my vote for best 

Honourable mention: Andrew Parker, Alex 
Gaumont-Casias (who else asks for dating help 
through a student newspaper?), Trix Baker for 
her brutal honesty in the postgame. 

Best senior 
Leo Carroll and Nick Cundy, Bears volleyball 

RC: Though we may pick on them for losing at 
nationals, the Bears volleyball team was amaz- 
ing this year, and these two players were some 
of the strongest on the team. 

Holy shit moment (astonishing, ina good way) 
Pandas field hockey (unanimous decision) 

PO: One afternoon I logged onto the U of A 
website to check out-of-town scores. On the 
front page was a picture of the field hockey team 
surrounding a trophy and banner. I couldn't 
believe it, so much so that the first thing I did 
was rifle off'a text message to Chris. The content? 
Two words: “holy” and “shit.” 

WTF moment (astonishing, ina bad way) 
Bears volleyball (unanimous decision) 

JT: Given that I actually uttered the phrase in 

THE PRESENT AND FUTURE Carline Muir was uncatchable in her first season with the Pandas. 

question at least a dozen times while watching 
the game, it’s a pretty obvious choice. 

CO: I think we all know what happened in the 
final, and I think that Ross, Andrew and myself 
need to apologize to the team and the athletics 
community in general for not coming to terms 
with the Gateway sports profile curse sooner. 
Sorry everyone [profiled Dallas Soonias]. 

RP: Sorry [profiled Alex Gaumont-Casias]. 

AR: Sorry [profiled Justin Wong]. 

Team of the year 
Pandas hockey 

JT: I'm tempted to go with field hockey for the 
way they pulled together, but in terms of sheer 
dominance it comes down to Pandas hockey and 
Bears volleyball, and the Pandas brought a giant 
trophy home at the end of the year. They also let 
me touch it. 

CO: I actually did vote for the field hockey 
team. Sorry again for not getting you the appro- 
priate ink, ladies. 

Honourable mention: Bears hockey, Bears 

Best live sport oncampus 
Men’sandwomen’ volleyball 

JT: I'm partial to hockey myself, but I don’t see 
how anyone could not love watching our vol- 
leyball teams in action. It’s consistently exciting, 
and you'd be hard-pressed to find a higher level 
of competition anywhere in North America. 

CO: My heart’s with basketball, but if I was 
going to recommend a sport to a casual fan to go 
watch, it’d be volleyball. The Can-Am Challenge 
was the most entertaining thing I saw in the 
Main Gym this year. 


thursday, 6 april, 2006 

Inside a Gateway editor's mental highlight reel: looking back over three years 



Writing for the Gateway is a lot like 
being a drug addict (I would imag- 
ine). Curiosity pulled me in and I got 
hooked quickly; trying it out once 
turned into hundreds of return trips, 
and by the time youve reading this 
today, I’m probably sitting in SUB 
somewhere, wondering where the 
last three years went. I may not be 
able to tell you anything that’s hap- 
pened outside of the sports world over 
that time—I know I couldn't tell you 
what’s happened in the classes I’ve 
taken—but over the last three years, 
I think I've seen some pretty cool shit. 
After watching a few hundred Bears 
and Pandas games, I feel like I've got 
a highlight reel ingrained on my con- 
sciousness. Here are my favourites: 

Alberta-Brandon, basketball play- 
offs, March, 2005 

The table couldn't have been set any 
better for these two teams: both had 
been caught up in the controversy of 
a scorer’s error from their previous 
meeting earlier in the season, which 
had cost the Bears a win that, by 
all accounts, they deserved to have. 
Alberta went on an incredible playoff 
run to end up hosting the final four, 
where of course, they got another shot 
at Brandon, with a spot at nationals 
on the line. The Bears rallied behind 
Mike Melnychuk, who brought his 
team back from a ten-point second- 

A Careerin 

half deficit to get the game within 
one possession and a few seconds on 
the clock. Melnychuk brought the 
ball the length of the floor and put up 
an off-balance runner over a double 
team. He nailed the shot, which set 
the 2500 people in attendance into a 
frenzy. The game went to overtime, 
where Melnychuk would hit two 
clutch ‘three-point shots to seal the 
win for the Bears. Hands-down, it 
was the best basketball game I've ever 
been to. 

Alberta-Calgary, basketball play- 
offs, February, 2006 

When the Bears blew their eight- 
point lead in the second half of their 
playoff opener to Calgary, I thought 
they were done. Calgary could have 
put the game out of reach with free 
throws, but they were unable to con- 
vert on the freebies they needed the 
most. While I thought Alberta had 
choked, it was Calgary who left the 
Bears with some hope in the game's 
final seconds, and Alex Steele hit a 
shot that probably could still make 
a few Dinos cry if you mentioned it 

to them now, two months after the 

fact. Steele was tossed the ball in 
transition off a Calgary free-throw 
miss, and after maneuvering around 
a slew of Dinos defenders, he tossed 
up a three-point shot as the buzzer 
sounded and buried it. The gym 
erupted with cheering and Steele, 
in the midst of his excitement, ran 
out of the gym and out towards the 
swimming pool, I think. His team- 
mates pulled him back in, where the 
dejected Calgary players stood with 
their heads down, forced to listen to 
the spontaneous “U of A” chant that 
loudly echoed through the gym. 

Master of Information Systems 


I first met Andrew Parker at the begin- 
ning of the 2004/05 season,.a year 
before he would join the team. He 
sat next to me in the gym as I took 
my first look at Don Horwood’s 
new team. We watched as former 
Bear Paul Marr, made a layup in a 

‘Tf that was me,-.I would have 
dunked that on all of their heads,” he 
told me. I thought he was joking. 

“Yeah, me too,” I responded, 

Over last summer, I saw Parker 
taking part in a slam-dunk contest 
when he was a counselor at Don 
Horwood’s_ basketball camp. He, got 
the kids watching to chant his name 
as he geared up to bring something to 
the court that most of the kids there 
will likely never see in person again. 
He effortlessly threw down any ridic- 
ulous dunk that you can thinkiof, and, 
for a finale, propped a young kid up 
under the basket. As he flew, oyer, the 
kid’s head, he threw in a windmill for 
good measure. The kids at the camp 
mobbed him, and for a minute, the 
Main Gym was Rucker Park. When his 
career at the U of A is done, I think 
that’s how a lot of people will remem- 
ber Andrew Parker’s time here. 

Bears volleyball 

Isurprised myself by how much I came 
to enjoy watching the Bears volleyball 
team play this year. No two play- 
ers can take more credit for that than 
Dallas Soonias and Alex Gaumont- 
Casias. When the two of them get into 
the same zone, as they often did this 
season, the Bears are impossible to stop. 
Gaumont-Casias, in only his second 
season, was the most charismatic player 

in the nation this year. Both he and 
Soonias can get up higher and hit the 
ball harder than anyone I've seen play 
volleyball. Being a part of the crowd 
that watched the two of them play. this 
season with the Bears was like being on 
a rollercoaster. A set would come to the 
net for Alberta and as the ball was being 
pushed into the. air, either Gaumont- 
Casias or Soonias would swoop in, 
forcing the crowd to hold its collective 
breath; both players, fully capable of 
getting their waists over the net (I have 
picture proof—it’s the only way I'd 
believe it, too), would crush the ball 
and their opponent's spirit, to the roar 
of a crowd that couldn't get enough. If 
I could land a job in the future where I 
got to watch these guys play volleyball 
daily, I wouldn’t complain. 

Pandas volleyball Canada West 
championship, March 2003 

In my first year at the Gateway, I 
watched Tawanna Wardlaw and her 
Panda teammates run all over their 
competition. They claimed the Canada 
West championship in the Main Gym 
that year in a 3-1 win over Calgary. 
Wardlaw’s play that year was phenom- 
enal. She owned her opponents in a 
way that few players can ever say they 
did. Unfortunately, they fell to Calgary 
in the gold medal game at nationals two 
weeks later—it was the closest I'd ever 
see them come to a championship. 

PaulOwen’s drive to get free stuff 

I met Paul Owen (hereon known as P- 
Ow,) at the beginning of the 2004/05 
season. Now, in my life, I've met a lot 
of lowbrow people with no shame. I 
mean, shit, I grew up in Fort McMurray. 
I can safely say, though, that in my 28 

_ Centre for the Arts — 

years on this planet, I've never met 
someone who would likely kill another 
human being if it involved getting a 
free t-shirt—until I met P-Ow. 

Owen and I went to the 2004 Pandas’ 
hoop-fest tournament together (we 
were working; it wasn’t a date). It was 
P-Ow’s first time covering an event. 
When there’s a long timeout during a 
basketball game, the A-Team makes its 
way onto the court to do some promo- 
tional giveaways. This used to bea time 
to go back over my game notes, to think 
about what questions I was going to ask 
in the post-game. All of that changed 
that weekend. The A-Team thought that 
it would be nice to throw a t-shirt to a 
kid who was sitting near us. The shirt 
was misfired, however, and it went into 
a row of empty seats. My eyes started 
back to my notes when I saw where it 
landed, but were pulled back in that 
direction when P-Ow hopped over the 
row of seats we were in and scampered 
off after the prize that he felt, for what- 
ever reason, he deserved more than 
a kid whose age was very likely still 
in the single digits. When he got the 
shirt, he sat back down, out of breath 
and immensely satisfied with himself: 
When he noticed that the shirt might 
fit around his arm and that’s it, he only 
put the shirt in his backpack. Later that 
weekend, he did it again. And again. 

I’ve grown used to the way that P- 
Ow operates. After watching him go 
crazy for t-shirtsin both Edmonton and 
Calgary (where everyone in the gym 
actually booed him for out-hustling a 
kid for a prize, at the encouragement 
of their public address announcer), it 
doesn’t bother me. If half of today’s 
athletes wanted to win as much as P- 
Ow wants free t-shirts, I'd have found 
at least twice as many feature-worthy 
stories in my time here. 


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THE GATEWAY + volume XCV number 46 

SPORTS 23 - 

Dont be Greg: get off the bandwagon 

Cheering for the Florida Gators when they don't know who Joakim Noah is 
makes filthy bandwagon jumpers dull boys—and first-degree team-whores 



I have a buddy—et’s call him Greg, 
because if we don’t, he could sue 
us—who has a whoring problem. It’s 
not that Greg is a whore in the literal 
sense of the word. He doesn't, as far 
as I know, perform sexual acts for 
monetary compensation. He’s more 
a whore in the metaphorical or pro- 
verbial sense; that is to say, he’s the 
kind of guy who, upon having a con- 
versation with, you can’t help but say, 
“Man, that guy is a huge team-whore.” 
Currently, the latest trick that Greg 
has turned is his performance for the 
Florida Gators, thanks in large part to 
their improbable basketball national 

Never mind that Greg couldn’t name 
a single player on the Gators’ roster, or 
tell you how they've done this season, 
let alone the season before, or when 
their last Final Four appearance was. 
These days, Greg’s more into proudly 
serenading you with MSN mes- 
sages of “National Champions, baby” 
and claiming that his team won, 
while proudly displaying his “Gators 
Football” t-shirt. You see, Greg is the 
most heinous of all sports fans: he’s a 
bandwagon jumper. 

The Canadian Oxford Dictionary, 
the official dictionary of the Gateway 
and an overall sweet-ass reference 
book, defines bandwagon jumping as 
the act of “joining in what seems likely 
to be a successful enterprise, to strive 
to join the winning side.” I call it not 
being man enough to actually follow a 

team. Another applicable term would 
be that Greg’s being a “pussy,” which 
COD defines as, “ ... a finicky, old- 
maidish, or effeminate boy or man.” 
Greg will argue if you call him one, 
saying he picked Florida to go far and 
that he always cheers for them come 
tourney time. If this is true, it only 
reinforces my point: he picked Florida 
without knowing how they did during 
the season or if they had the ability 
to win a title. Hell, the only reason 
he even likes Florida is because he 
attended a Gators’ football game twelve 
years ago, and that this loyalty to the 
Gators football team inexplicably trans- 
lates over into every sport in which the 
University of Florida participates. 

Never mind that Greg 
couldn't name a single 
player on the Gators’ 
roster or tell you how 
they've done this 
season, let alone the 
season before, or when 
their last Final Four 
appearance was. 

Now, let's say you live in Edmonton, 
but did not attend the U of A. Still, you 
enjoy Bears hockey and attend all the 
games. You were ecstatic when they 
won the Telus Cup a week-and-a-half 
ago. But did you care that Pandas field 
hockey won the national title? No. 
Just because you're a Bears hockey fan 
doesn’t make you a universal U of A 
fan, especially if you are neither a stu- 
dent nor alumnus of the school. Greg 
is neither to the University of Florida. 

The NCAA tournament is the time 
to jump on bandwagons and ride 
them to their inevitable destruc- 
tion, a point I made three weeks ago 
in these very pages. While I would 
have been very happy to see George 
Mason, West Virginia or any other 
bandwagon team win it this week- 
end, I wouldn’t have been giving off 
the vibe that my team won (unless 
of course Gonzaga had won, which 
they probably would have had they 
not been fucked over by the stupid- 
est fucking bull-ish refs in the history 
of college sports). However, to call a 
bandwagon team one of your own 
when you don’t even know a player 
on their roster is classic jackassery, 
reserved for only the most despicable 
of metaphorical whores—you know, 
people like Greg. 

Sure, he may cheer for Florida 
come every tournament, even though 
they've “lost in the first round eight 
years in a row,” as he says (it’s worth 
noting, however, the Gators actually 
made the second round of the tour- 
ney last year and went to the final in 
2000), but the fact that he only cheers 
for them every tournament makes 
him—by definition—a bandwagon 
jumper. It would be like only cheer- 
ing for the Oilers when they make the 
playoffs. A true fan actually knows 
that his team was 33—6 this season, 
or that they beat South Carolina in the 
Southeastern Conference tournament 
final. Greg knows neither, and that 
makes him one who whores himself 
out; in this case, a Gator-whore. 

Sports fans, I implore you: do not 
stand for bandwagonning. If you 
know someone like Greg, or even 
know Greg, do us all a big favour and 
just call them out as a team-whore. 
Make sure they know it; the rest of us 
sure do. 

So long, and thanks for all the upsets 

NCAA Tournament terrific thanks to underdogs, upsets and Joakim Noah 


Holy crap, it’s finally over—and I 
can’t help but feel a sudden emptiness 

For the past three-and-a-half weeks, 
basketball fans the world over, be it 
the true-blue fans, water-cooler pool- 
ers or our bookies, have collectively 
left a major ass-groove in the cushy 
leather couch that is life, all in the 
name of watching some damn good 
college basketball. 

Hearts have been broken, dreams 
have been shattered, Yahoo! printable 
brackets have been recklessly crum- 
pled and thrown at television screens 
in disgust. Yet, despite some of our 
brackets being completely fucked up 
in the second round (thanks for gettng 
the ball rolling Ohio State), we con- 
tinued to watch in sheer amazement 
because the highlights, lowlights and 
unpredictability of this tournament 
are just too much to pass up. Who 
would've ever guessed that none of the 
number-one seeds would have made 
it to the Final Four? Or that George 
Mason would have bitch-slapped two 
of the best teams in the tourney in 
Connecticut and North Carolina to 

make their first appearance anywhere 
near the Final Four, and the first 
appearance for an eleventh seed since 
LSU made it in 1986? Who would 
have guessed that co-player of the year 
and purported fan of communism, 
Adam Morrison, was insanely jacked- 
up enough to repeatedly slam a bas- 
ketball over his skull? No one, that’s 
who. And that’s what made it such a 
great tourney. 

Who would have 
guessed that co-player 
of the year and 
purported fan of 
communism, Adam 
Morrison, was insanely 
jacked-up enough to 
repeatedly slam a 
basketball over his 

Five rounds and 62 games of college 
hoops finally culminated on Monday 
night in what was a fantastic final. 
The Florida Gators, primarily known 
as a football school, earned their first 
NCAA men’s division I title with a 
73-57 win over the UCLA Bruins, 
in Florida’s second appearance in the 
final game. Florida opened up sev- 

eral cans of whoop-ass on the lowly 
Bruins, maintaining an eleven-point 
lead going into the half: The Gators 
dominant play was led by forward 
Joakim Noah and his 16 points and 
six blocks, which was more than 
enough to get him named the tourna- 
ment’s Most Outstanding Player. Noah 
also set a tournament record for most 

While, technically, this may not 
have been the most exciting men’s 
final, it was still a pleasure to watch. 
The big shots, the dunks, the cross- 
overs, and Joakim Noah rejecting 
more guys than a hillbilly in a gay bar 
made this game just another addition 
to a long line of exciting finals. 

Every single year, March Madness 
lives up to its name. The tourney 
provides young athletes with an 
opportunity to shine in front of an 
international audience, schools with 
an opportunity for bragging rights 
and of course, if you're lucky enough, 
it can also provide the opportunity to 
scam some hard-earned money off of 
your friends by picking Northwestern 
State to upset Iowa or Kansas to lose 

As this year has wound to a close, I 
already look forward to the 2007 edi- 
tion of March Madness. While there's 
no way to know how it’s all going to 
unfold, I'm going to just have to wait 
it out for another year. If anyone needs 
me, I'll be on my couch, working on 
my ass-groove. 



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University sport anabysts 

The lights have been turned off; the 
Zambonis have flooded the ice for 
the last time;.the turf has long been 
cut and as the last fan left the stadium 
after the men’s hockey championship, 
the 2005/06 Canadian a 
Sport year came to an end.vvioy pid! 

From: the} University cof: oleatcnia 
to Memorial‘ University im) SvJohn‘s,; 
Newfoundland, and on every campus. 
between, Canada’s foremost’ athletes 
have shot, ran, passed, tackled, kicked, 
spiked, checked and pinned in some of 
the highest athletic competition in the 

Milkshakes = === 

eG ap | i 9 + TAX is the pinnacle.of athletic performance 

P| & dedi in Canada;.and the battlés: are always 
fierce—this year was no different: 
When the dust settled and all of the 
games were complete, the Gateway 
sports staff set out to determine which 
university has the best overall athletics 
program in the country. The first step 
was to decide the top ten schools in 
each of the CIS sports, including bas- 
ketball, cross-country, field hockey, 
football, hockey, rugby, soccer, swim- 
ming, track and field, volleyball and 
wrestling. The top teams were deter- 
mined by their respective placements 
at the national championships. Often, 
this included only six or eight teams, 
so to round out the top ten, we com- 
pared the regular season records of 
teams that made it to the playoffs but 
weren't invited to the national finals. 
Confused yet? Hopefully not, but the 
point is that the rankings were very 
systematic, and in some cases it was 
necessary to look at points for and 
against to break a tie between two 


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Smoothies * Protein Shakes ° Fresh Squeezed Juice * Ice Cream 

SURPRISE CHAMPS The Pandas field hockey team shocked everyone at nationals when they won the championship. 

The best of the best in university sport 

Because championship trophies and padded-win columns arent enough, the 
Gateways sports staff figured out which school is really the most suc etch 


Once ranked, the first-place schools 
in each sport were given ten points 
and the tenth place team one point. 
However, if a sport received national 
television coverage, it was assigned a 
weighting of 1.5 because it had higher 
national fan support. This may be 
a bone of contention for some: who 
argue that all sports are created equal, 
but.let’s iface it; some sports are just 
more;popular than-othets, and we're 
not going:to dwell on that. The sports 
with a higher weighting included foot- 
ball, men’s and women’s volleyball, 
men’s hockey: and men’s basketball. 
Then we turned the numbers over 
to our team of monkeys with adding 
machines to tabulate the results. After 
much blood, sweat, tears:and. carpal 
tunnel. .syndrome,-:the- Gateway: was 
able to pick the best university athletic 
program in Canada. Itchin’ to find out 
which school was the top dog this 
year? We've got the answers: 


For the fourth time in the last four 
seasons, the Carleton Ravens lifted 
the CIS Men’s Basketball trophy 
above their heads in victory, even if 
this season saw Carleton’s illustrious 
87-game regular season and playoff 
win streak snapped in January by the 
Brock Badgers. The Ravens had lost 
their team captain and all-Canadian 
Mike Smart, but player-of-the-year 
Osvaldo Jeanty repeated his finals 
MVP performance for the fourth con- 
secutive time in leading Carleton to 
victory again in 2006. 

While Carleton was struggling to 
stay on top of the country, there was 
some significant shake up below them. 


The St Francis Xavier X-Men have been 
the bridesmaids-at the Ravens’ wed- 
ding for the past two seasons; this year 
found another Atlantic power rise: 
The Cape Breton University Capers. 
CBU improved on a top-ten season last 
year to finish in a tie for third place 
with the X-Men. 

Out west, The Victoria Vikes became 
Canada West’s first. national finalist 
since Alberta won the title in 2002. 
The Vikes rode a number-one national 
ranking to a meeting with the Ravens 
in the championship game. 

For the Alberta Golden Bears, 
things were less golden than they 
were a year ago when they pulled off 
a Cinderella run through the confer- 
ence to capture the Canada West title 
and a trip to nationals. The Bears 
were never able to fully adjust to not 
having Phil Sudol in the lineup, and 
their guard play, with the exception 
of Dean Whalen’s high-scoring ways, 
was inconsistent. For a team that was 
expected to contend for the confer- 
ence title once again, it was a bitter 

On the women’s side of the court, 
the Pandas saw their first post-season 
since 2002/03. Although their loss to 
Calgary in the first round wasn’t the 
way they wanted their playoffs to go, 
the team has to be happy that it’s head- 
ing in the right direction. That direc- 
tion, it seems, will have to go through 
the powerhouse-heavy Canada West 

While Cape Breton gave UBC a chal- 
lenge in the championship game, the 
T-Birds were able to bring gold back to 
Canada West, where The Bronze Baby 
(the name of the women’s champion- 
ship) has resided since the 1992/93 
season—and no, that’s not a typo. 

THE GATEWAY + volume XCVI number 46 

The performances of teams like Cape 
Breton, UNB and York at nationals 
helped to dispel the notion that the 
nation’s contenders only come from 
east of Ontario, but until someone 
can knock a Canada West team out in 
the championship game, Canada West 
will remain the conference to beat. 


On the men’s side, Windsor was 
the team other schools were trying 
to catch, as they ran for their third- 
consecutive national championship 
in mid November. The fastest female 
team was Guelph, which also garnered 
the title of best cross-country school, 
overall. Beth Wightman from U of 
T retained her position as CIS speed 
queen, recording her third career gold 

Alberta was not left out of the top 
ten, though, as the Bears posted a 
fourth place finish. The Pandas were 
unable to place in the top ten. 


With only four teams on hand for 
nationals, the process of picking a 
top-ten for field hockey was an ardu- 
ous one. Of course, Carla Somerville’s 
squad picked up the ten points for 
winning the championship, and the 
three teams that fell behind them at 
nationals landed in their appropriate 
seedings. The Pandas’ championship 
may have been the most unexpected 
coup for the University this year. 


While there is always some debate 
about who is the best team in NCAA 
football thanks to their lack of a true 
playoff, in CIS, there’s no question that 
the Wilfrid Laurier Golden Hawks 
were the class of the league this year. It 
may have taken a last-second field goal 
for them to capture the Vanier Cup, 
but the Golden Hawks were the only 
undefeated team in Canada, finishing 
the season 12-0. Add to that the fact 
they had to defeat the Saskatchewan 
Huskies—the only other unbeaten 
team heading into the Vanier Cup— 
and there’s no doubt that Wilfrid 
Laurier was easily the best team in 
Canada in 2005. 

While there may be no problems 
about crowning a true champion in 
CIS football, for the Golden Bears, this 
year proved yet again that they have a 
problem winning the Hardy Cup. For 
the third straight year, a talented Bears 
squad made the game, only to prove 
that the third time wasn’t a charm, as 
they fell again to their bitter rivals from 
Saskatchewan. While the team may 
have posted a 7-1 record in the regu- 
lar season, ending the season with yet 
another Canada West final defeat over- 
shadowed the impressive record the 
Bears posted this season. 


Perhaps the University of Alberta 
might want to change its name to the 
University of Hockey next year—it 
almost seems more fitting. Both Bears 
and Pandas hockey teams brought 
gold medals home from the national 
finals to add to the plethora of national 
championship banners already hang- 
ing from the rafters of Clare Drake 
Arena. The Pandas won their fifth 
national title in seven years, beating 
the Wilfrid Laurier Golden Hawks 
2-1. Laurier and Alberta faced off last 
year in the national finals as well and 
the Pandas were able to turn the tables 
and better their silver medal from the 
previous year. 

The Bears were defending national 
champs, but they had anew head coach 
behind the bench in Eric Thurston after 
Rob Daum left to coach the Houston 
Aeros of the American Hockey League. 
Alberta took a while to adjust to their 


a ie 


MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM The Bears hockey team (seen here celebrating at Rexall Place) was one of three U of A championship teams this season. 

new lineup and bench boss, starting 
off the season with a record of 4-3- 
1. As the team got comfortable with 
their new dynamic, though, Alberta 
would return to form and regain the 
top ranking in the country by week 
14 of the season. The Telus University 
Cup was held in Edmonton again, 
with the gold-medal game at Rexall 
Place on 26 March. In front of 7615 
excited fans, the Bears captured their 
record twelfth national title, 3-2 over 
the Lakehead Thunderwolves. 


Alberta is a perennial powerhouse in 
women’s rugby, winning the national 
championship five consecutive years 
from 2000-2004. That dynasty would 
not live on forever, though, as the 
Pandas had to settle for bronze in 
2004/2005. This year Alberta looked 
to reclaim their perch atop the CIS, 
but ended up losing 22-0 to the 
University of Western Ontario, who 
captured their second-straight national 


For women’s soccer, the national finals 
were held here at the U of A, so the 
Pandas got an automatic berth into the 
national tournament. Despite playing 
on the familiar territory of Foote Field, 
the Pandas were no match for the top 
teams and ended up finishing fifth in 
the tournament. The final game saw 
the University of Victoria take on the 
University of Ottawa on a chilly day 
at Foote Field. It was close at first, but 
Victoria ended up winning the gold 
medal in a 3—0 match. UBC was also 
the best soccer school overall, as their 
women’s squad captured a tenth-place 

The Bears soccer team had a decent 
season, posting a 6-4-2 record and cap- 
turing the Canada West bronze medal. 

The Bears were unable to crack the top 
ten nationally. One bright spot for the 
squad was that Alberta midfielder Mark 
Korthuis was selected as a first team 
CIS All-Canadian. The men’s national 
championship was held in Prince 
Edward Island, and saw UBC beat 
Toronto 2-1 to capture the gold medal. 


Alberta has one of the strongest volley- 
ball squads in the country, and both 
men’s and women’s squads had excel- 
lent seasons—until nationals rolled 
around. The Pandas were ranked 
third going into the big dance and 
had hopes to upset one of the top two 
teams. At the very least, Laurie Eisler’s 
squad was poised to bring a medal of 
some colour back to the confines of 
the Main Gym. However, in the first 
round of nationals the Pandas were 
upset by a pesky Montréal team that 
played a strong game and defeated 
Alberta 3-2. The best the Pandas could 
finish was fifth, but they were beaten 
by Trinity Western in the consolation 
final, settling for a dismal sixth-place 
finish. Later that day, Laval beat top- 
ranked UBC 3-1, to capture their first 
women’s volleyball national champi- 
onship in team history and finish off a 
perfect season with no losses. 

The Bears, on the other hand, 
simply dominated the regular season. 
Every team that entered their den 
paid a price, and as the season wore 
on it became clear that Alberta was 
one of the best men’s volleyball teams 
in Canada, and perhaps even North 
America, as the Bears also triumphed 
over some top-level NCAA compe- 
tition. Going into nationals, Terry 
Danyluk’s squad had a near-perfect 
record of 32-1 and had their sights set 
on repeating as national champions. 
At nationals, Alberta won their first 
two games to advance to the gold- 
medal game against Canada West rival 

Trinity Western. The Spartans played 
the game of their lives, stunning the 
Bears in three straight sets in what was 
arguably one of the biggest shocks in 
the CIS season. It took a year, but the 
Spartans avenged the second-place 
finish they had last year at the hands 
of the Bears. Overall, TWU had the 
best volleyball program in the country 

~ this year. 


Wrestling coach Vang Ioannides was 
able to assemble a competitive Bears 
squad for the men’s bouts, but the 
Pandas wrestling program was going 
through a bit ofa rebuilding year. After 
national-calibre grapplers Erica Sharp 
and Heidi Kulak graduated from the 
U of A last year, the program was left 
with many wrestlers who were only 
in their first year of CIS competition. 
As a result, the Pandas were unable to 
place at the national finals and were 
not ranked in the top ten nationally. 
Simon Fraser finished as the best 
women’s team in the country. 

The Bears ended up with a fifth- 
place finish overall at nationals, and 
had strong performances at the U of 
A Invitational and the Canada West 
finals. On their home mats, the Bears 
earned a first-place finish with three 
gold, two silver and one bronze medal 
at the U of A invitational held 13 
January. This success carried on into 
the Canada West bouts with the Bears, 
as they registered two gold, one silver 
and three bronze medals. The Alberta 
men held their own at nationals, but 
in the end it was Brock University 
that took the top honours inthe men’s 
category. Overall, Brock and Simon 
Fraser tied for the best wrestling pro- 
gram in Canada. 


Maybe it’s the proximity to the ocean, 

but the UBC swim team dominated in 
the pool this year. This comes as no 
surprise, given their eight consecu- 
tive national titles before this season. 
In swimming, each team is basically 
competing to get second place, but 
Alberta wasn't in the running for 
silver, either. Swimming was one of 
the sports that Alberta didn’t record 
at least one top-ten finish in, as the 
men’s squad finished in twelfth, and 
the women 15th at nationals, which 
were held in Laval this year. 

Track and Field 

The landscape is quickly changing for 
track and field in CIS, and it could be 
argued that the Bears and Pandas are 
at the forefront of that change. With 
a program that has made great strides 
in the last two years, the Bears are 
already a heavyweight nationally, and 
the Pandas aren't far behind them. 

Andthe winneris... 

Provided that you read the Gateway in 
the confines of the University, then it 
turns out that you're standing is the 
best in university in Canada, in terms 
of athletic performance. The U of A 
bested the UBC Thunderbirds by more 
than 30 points in the overall ranking, 
with 107 total, to UBC’s 71. The aver- 
age number of points for each uni- 
versity was slightly over 24, and there 
were nine universities out of 49 that 
didn’t place in the top ten in any sport, 
thus leaving them with zero points in 
the overall standings. Alberta had a 
top-ten finish in either the men’s or 
women’s event in all but two sports— 
basketball and swimming. Ice hockey, 
volleyball, track and field and field 
hockey earned the green and gold the 
most points, respectively. To see the 
stats that accompany this article, visit 
the Gateway online at www.gateway. 


thursday, 4 april, 2006 

Designing your own 
degree shows a great 
- deal of motivation 
and initiative to any 
future employer or 
graduate admissions 
be, for better or for 
worse, one of a kind. 

Feature by Catrin Berghoff 
Photo by Weiyang Liu 

Diff’rent Strokes 

Think you’re limited to straightlaced subjects 
like engineering physics and psychology 
when you’re in university? Think again. 

I want to be different! 

Almost two years ago, I was ready to leave this University. I 
was ready to pack up my bags and move on to a place that 
would allow me to study what I wanted to study, instead 

of pressing me into a disciplinary mould and forcing me to 
follow a rather rigid sequence of courses. I had searched and 
searched for a program of study that would speak to me, but 
all had remained silent. Then, the 2004/05 calendar came 
out, and I did what every student should do, and almost no 
student does: I read it. 

I read not only the Faculty of Arts section, the faculty 

in which I had been registered to date, but also all other 
faculties’ that I could even remotely see myself in. Now, I 
realize that the calendar is no John Grisham novel. For one, 
it’s twice the size, and that’s without taking into account its 
minuscule font. Secondly, its contents, for the most part, are 
irrelevant to the day-to-day problems of any given student, 
and are only occasionally interspersed with a useful tidbit of 

However, these tidbits could quite possibly change the 
course of your entire academic career, which is what 
happened to me after stumbling upon a section entitled 
“Individualized Study.” 

* ~ section in the calendar (§ 43.14) allows stu- 
dents to design their own Bachelor of Arts 

degrees—imajors, minors, or both—and the sky is the limit. 
The first step is to come up with a theme for your major/ 
minor, and pick between 30 and 48 credits worth of relevant 
courses from at least three different departments (in the 
case of a major), which do not necessarily have to be in the 
Faculty of Arts. 

When I decided on my own major—International 
Development—I had no trouble at all identifying the three 
main disciplines I wanted to study: Sociology, Political 
Science, and Economics. From there, the process is relatively 
simple. The plan, in conjunction with a short reasoning on 
why the student’s idea significantly differs from other pro- 
grams already offered at the University of Alberta, should 
then appear in a letter to the Associate Dean (Academic) of 
the Faculty of Arts. Next, a committee comprised of three 
professors will be struck, and usually the student has the 
opportunity to suggest which individuals he/she would like 
to work with. 

Most likely, the committee will strike the odd course from 
the student’s list or substitute it with another one they think 
is essential for his/her academic development, but in my 
experience the student retains a lot of freedom, and only 
one meeting is required. All in all, the process is surprisingly 
smooth and easy, both for the students and the professors 
who agree to supervise them. 

Rick Szostak, who made this opportunity come to life 
during his time as the Associate Dean (Interdisciplinary), is 
convinced that the program is an asset to the University. 

“The Individualized Study opportunity attracts the sort 
of students who know what they want, are independent, 
strong-willed, and those are the sort of students it is in the 
university’s interest to attract,” he says. 

Why should you do this, you ask? There are many 
advantages to an individualized major, but three of them 
especially stand out. First, you can do almost anything you 
want, and take courses across departmental and even faculty 

boundaries, including courses that are normally reserved for 
students majoring in the corresponding discipline. 

Second, the program remains flexible throughout your 
studies, and should you come across a course that you would 
like to add to your major, all you need to do is ask your 
committee to approve the change. 

And finally, designing your own degree shows a great 
deal of motivation and initiative to any future employer or 
graduate admissions committee—you'll be, for better or for 

worse, one of a kind. 

Of course, there are also downsides to taking this unique 
and active approach to shaping your own education. For 
example, some graduate programs only accept candidates 
with the relevant disciplinary major in their bachelor’s 
degree. However, many graduate programs will bend 

their rules for students who demonstrate that they're truly 
motivated and intrinsically qualified to study at the graduate 
level, and will admit these students on a probationary basis 
as long as they're willing to make up certain core courses. 

Secondly, the approval committee takes the candidate’s 
“overall academic record”’ into account, which could mean 
anything. Essentially, it is up to the student to argue that 
he/she is a suitably motivated individual who can deal with 
the different theories, methods and perspectives that an 
interdisciplinary major will invariably thrust upon him/her. 

And lastly, should you end up not liking your program, it’s 
nobody’s fault but your own. Most likely, though, you'll 
merely find yourself regretting one or the other course you 
chose, and be the wiser for it. 

P Smith is one of three current students with 
CUCE sisithilind nan cee 

the merits of the program. Peter’s major is called Critical 
Theory, which is comprised of courses taken from History, 
English, Sociology and Philosophy. When asked to describe 
his major, he refers to great historical figures such as 
Sigmund Freud and Karl Marx, and points out that most 
famous scholars didn’t respect disciplinary boundaries, and 
refused to let their inquiries into how the world works be 
limited by them—so why should he? 

Peter’s only caveat on the individualized major is that it 
isn’t suited for students who don’t know at all what they’re 
interested in. 

“You have to have some kind of idea what you want before 
you go into an individualized major. It’s not the kind of 
program you can just follow along,” he says. 

And if there’s one thing he’s learned by taking this road less 
travelled, it’s not to be too quick to throw out one’s ideas; 
even if an idea seems unrealistic at first, he recommends 
running it by someone who might know more. 

“There’s probably something to it, and it could lead to a 
paper, a thesis, or even a degree.” 

this sounds too adventurous to you, or you think 

your academic record might not make you an ideal 
candidate, there’s still no need to succumb to the gravita- 
tional pull emitted from the huge mass of undergraduates 
majoring in the old-time favourites of Psychology, Sociology 
or General Science. There are quite a few nifty interdisci- 
plinary programs that allow students to set themselves apart 
from the bulk of undergraduates while still providing some 


THE GATEWAY «+ volume XCVI number 46 

‘The Individualized Study opportunity attracts the sort of students who 
know what they want, are independent, strong-willed, and those are the 
sort of students it is in the university’s interest to attract.” 

structure and guidance. A great example for this is the major 
and minor in Middle Eastern and African Studies (MEAS). 

For the student who has decided that Africa and the Middle 
East are of particular interest, this opportunity is almost as 
flexible as an individualized major. The approved course 

list ranges from Introductory Arabic, Persian and Swahili 

to African Cinema, and from West African Drumming to 
Faculty of Law courses in human rights issues (which MEAS 
students are allowed to take with departmental consent). 

From Anthropology to Economics to Nursing, there are 
myriads of course options to gain valuable insights into the 
cultures of these regions, and contrary to popular percep- 
tion, political science courses need not play a role at all. 
Anne McDougall, the Director of the Middle Eastern and 
African Studies program, believes that students with knowl- 
edge in this area will be sought-after graduates. 

“The Middle East and Africa will play increasingly impor- 
tant roles, both individually and jointly, in global affairs in 
the 21st century; the so-called ‘west’ needs. people who | 2 
understand the nature of these roles from all | perspectives,” 
she says. 

Asked about potential downsides of the program, _, : 
McDougall mentions students’ fears that potential employ- 
ers and graduate program admissions staff might not know 
what their degree actually stands for. However, she quickly 
proceeds to turn this into a potential advantage to the 

“T would argue the opposite: having a degree in a program 
like MEAS attracts the attention of prospective employers 
and graduate schools.” 

If majoring or minoring in MEAS is too much of a com- 
mitment for you, but you're still interested in the region, 
check out the MEAS certificate offered at the faculty level. 
If you're already thinking of doing a major or minor in one 
of the departments involved, this might just fall into your lap 
with minimal effort. 

S = not finding what you're looking for? Maybe 

you are, like me, one of those students who 
could never quite definitely decide whether they wanted 
to be in Science or Arts. In this case, there is just the right 
program for you: Science, Technology and Society (STS). 

In the calendar, it says that a major or minor in STS 
“will enable students to apply the approaches of the 
social sciences and humanities to understand science and 
technology as human and social activities.” Examples 

of required courses are “Anthropology of Science, 
Technology and Environment,” “Science Fiction” 

from the Comparative Literature department, and 
“Philosophy of Science.” 

Rob Wilson, program director of the STS program and 
professor of philosophy, believes that students entering this 
relatively new program have myriads of options open to 

“The program is still small, and allows students a lot of flex- 
ibility ... from nanotechnology and the arts, to bioenhance- 
ment and the interplay between medicine and ethics, to the 
relationships between Western science and other traditions 
of understanding,” he says. 

Wilson says STS students have many different career oppor- 
tunities, pointing to the plans of current students. 

-Rick Szostak 

the many placement opportunities available include the 
Provincial Museum and the Marketing and Promotions 
Section of West Edmonton Mall for Textiles and Clothing 
majors, and Edmonton Police Victim Services and Change 
for Children for Family Ecology majors. 

“[Some are] looking at working in environmental law, on 
computer security and identity theft, in the public relations 
or management side of the oil and gas industry, and on the 
uses of science in: directing government policy,” he says. 

In Wilson’s opinion, STS is the optimal choice for students 
who are interested in both the sciences and the arts. Chandler also points to the opportunities for graduate stud- 
ies, with MA, MSc and PhD programs in Human Ecology 
available here at the University of Alberta and at other places 
throughout the country. Apart from that, quite a few of her 
Family Ecology students have successfully gained entrance 
into law school and are now focusing on family law, and 

some of her Textiles and Clothing majors have gone on into 
MBA programs. 

And these are only a few of the dozen or so 
programs that are outside the norm—and 

nearly all can be found in your Calendar. The University 

of Alberta is a large institution, and it has many, many 
opportunities. Don’t miss out on the one that is right for you 
because you can’t be bothered to so some research. 

“STS combines the best of both worlds, both of the ‘two 
cultures.” As I like to say, [STS students] “know science’ but 
‘do arts.” 

none of these options seems appealing to you, and a 

Bachelor of Arts sounds way too theoretic, there are 
quite a few degree options where students get some practice 
along with their theory. Some of the most surprising options 
are within one of the least aptly named faculties on this 
campus: Agriculture, Forestry and Home Economics. 

Kathryn Chandler, the Practicum Coordinator and 
Academic Advisor in the department of Human Ecology, 
describes the Bachelor of Science in Human 

Ecology program as an interesting mix of arts 

and sciences with many applied courses and a | 

} DtOF 

focus on skill development. And who would re a : 

have thought that in this faculty, students can 
major in Textiles and Clothing, and minor 
in such diverse fields as Design and Product 
Development, Museum Curatorship 

and Conservation, and International 

EACLE. atu) 
HEY oe THE Ves gs 

Mc Saved tt 
Linda Capjack, department chair of : : bith, 2021 9 
Human Ecology, finds that many stu- 
dents go into the Textiles and Clothing 
major wanting to become fashion 
designers, but over the course of their 
academic careers discover the myriad 
other aspects of the field. 

“The Textiles and Clothing degree is 

a science degree i in the field of fashion,” 
she says. “Students Tearn not only about | 
the composition of n many fibres, but also 
about behavioural sciences, and study what 
fashion means to humans.” 

The other major in the human ecology 
program, Family Ecology, might appeal 
to students who are interested in the well- 
being of families, but are frustrated with 
the theory-heavy approach used in such 
departments as Sociology and Psychology. 
Chandler points out the holistic approach 
used by human ecologists. 

“When we look at the well-being of the 
child, for example, we also keep in mind 
all other outside influences. Where other 
disciplines take more of a treatment 
perspective, we take a proactive and 
preventative approach to the wellbe- 

ing of the family and the individuals 
within it.” 

In addition, all human ecology 
students have to participate in a 
200-hour field placement during 
their final year of studies, and many 
students get hired directly through 

their practicum experience. Some of 



thursday, 4 april, 2006 




a a 



4. The Statue of Liberty 
was sculpted by this 

5. This type of monkey is 
the noicect land animal. 

6. The apocryphal Magi 
Balthazar offered this 
gift to the baby Jesus. 

7. The only planet that 
rotates clockwise. 

10. The stage name of 
performer Erich Weiss. 

15. The Tooth Fairy is the 
registered trademark of 
this toothpaste company. 

17. The Electric Chair was 
invented by Dr Alphonse 
Rockwell, who was a... 

18. The world’s largest 
fruit crop. 

19. A young rooster is 
knownas a... 

22. When __ lightning 
strikes sand, it creates 

24. The dot over the 

letter “i” is called this. 

30. The only continent in 
the world without rep- 
tiles or snakes. 

31. The number of points 
on the collar around 
Kermit the Frog’s neck. 

The Omegaword.As in, the second one 
compiled by Scott C Bourgeois. The Crossword runs 
on most Thursdays with the answer available at 

32. Rainfall is measured 
with this device. 

35. The only author in 
the world to have a book 
in every Dewey-decimal 

36. The only US Presi- 
dent to resign from the 

37. Based on the political 
boundaries of the North 
Pole, Santa Claus is tech- 
nically of this national- 



1. The only river to flow 
both north and south of 
the equator. 

2. Walt Disney was afraid 
of these animals. 

3. The strongest muscle 
in the human body. 

4. The pineapple is this 
type of fruit. 

8. All of the moons of 
this planet are named 
after Shakespearean 

9. The wife of Moses. 

10. The only king in a 
deck of cards without a 

11. Infant beavers are 

12. Copper and zinc com- 
bine into this alloy. 

13. The study of soil is 
called ... 

14. The motto of IBM. 

16. The search for the 
existence of ghosts is 
called ... 

20. The term for a preg- 
nant goldfish. 

21. The name of ee 
Jean-Luc Picard’s fish. 

23. The term for a group 
of ravens. 

25. The fear of writing in 
public is called this. 

26. The absolute ruler of 

27. The birthstone for 

28. Donald Duck’s middle 

29. The Monty Python 
movie The Life of Brian 
was banned in this coun- 


31. The only mammal 
that can’t jump. 

33. A castrated rooster is 
known as a... 

34. The only zodiac sign 
that is an inanimate 

Code of Student Behaviour: 


\ Don’t make bad decisions 
' because you’re rushed for time. 

Don’t make it happen to you! 

Total # of Charges 
N aS [o>) 
(e3) oO oO 


Total Charges Under the Code of Student 


(July 1, 2005 to February 28, 2006) 

Year 1 Year 2 Year 3 Year 4 

Year of Program 

*Year N/A - the year is not applicable for Visiting 
Students, Open Studies Students, Previous Students, 
Special Students or Student Clubs. 

Graduate Year N/A* 

To learn more about the Code of Student Behaviour go to 

Truth In Education: TIE Integrity into Learning 

For further information, assistance, or other student services go to 

Provided by the GFC Campus Law Review Committee (CLRC) 

THE GATEWAY + volume XCVI number 46 



To place aclassified ad, please go 


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Attention students, summer work $18.05 
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Tree-planting means: good money, hard 
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E-mail resumé if possible. This is an efficient 
and hard-working crew. Contact: Lyle (306) 

Les Saisons Lingerie in West Edmonton Mall is 
looking for a long term, reliable, hard working 
and outgoing university student. The postion 
is for immediate employment and is full-time 
in the summer and part-time in the school 
year. We offer flexible hours and great wage 
with bonus. If this sounds like you, drop off 
your resumé or Nicole at 486-4859 or 444- 

About to graduate? Have excellent writing 
and communication skills? Technically adept? 
A quick study? YottaYotta, an Edmonton 

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join our team of face-to-face fundraisers. A 
great summer job! PT/FT positions available. 
Starting pay is $12—14/hr. Public Outreach is 
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We are currently seeking a part-time (15 hrs 
per week) receptionist for our busy health 
clinic. Applicant must be energetic, flexible, 
reliable, motivated, organized. Knowledge in 
chiropractic would be an asset. Please send 
resumé, attn: Saara,to 5846-111st Edmonton, 
AB T6H 3G1 or via fax 780-433-1890. 
Edmonton YMCA child care services hiring 
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Hiring P/T  Instructors/lifeguards. Fax 
resumé to (780)469-3367 or mail to 1975- 
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Les Saison Lingerie in West Edmonton Mall is 
looking for along term, reliable, hardworking 
and outgoing university student. The 
position is immediate and is full-time in the 
summer and part-time in the school year. 
The hours are flexible and the wage is great 
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6 APRIL, 2000 

Gateway Editor-in-Chief Neal Ozano 
successfully faked his own death in an 
obituary entitled “Neal Ozano dead 
at 23.” The article claimed that Ozano 
was killed by a bus just outside the 
University LRT station while working 
on photographs for the upcoming joke 
issue. David “Skip” Zeibin, who later 
became the EiC during 2002/03 was 
quoted as saying, “[Ozano] really had 
no opportunity to get out of the way.” 

Tearful anecdotes from friends and 
Gateway luminaries filled out the fake 
obituary. Spazzy McSpazzy and Joe 
College cartoonist Mike Winters, who 
worked under Ozano as Circulation 
Manager, said, “I'd characterize this rela- 
tionship with his underlings as some- 
what dubious. I'd ask him questions like, 
‘Neal, what is the semi-colon for?’ and 
he would respond, ‘your mom likes it up 
the ass, doesn’t she?” 

In light of the article, the president's 
office offered to lower the flags on 
campus to half-mast until they found 
out it was a hoax. They learned from 
the experience and did not offer to 
lower the flags to half-mast when 
Chris Boutet, EiC 03/04, revived the 
same joke at the end of his term. 

From the Gateway Archives is a semi- 
regular feature that re-visits the vari- 
ous stories published in the 95-year 
history of the Gateway. 


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Though this is our last “real” issue for the year, don't 
worry, we'll be back sooner than you think. 

See, this summer we'll be publishing four fantabulous 
issues on May 18, June 8, July 20 and August 10. 

And watch the big, sexy, blue racks come 31 August, 
when we'll start publishing (most) every Tuesday and 
Thursday, at least until our ineptitude and bitterness 
consumes us. Um, woot. 


Des a 

3Q) COMIcs 

thursday, 6 april, 2006 

SPACE CAT by Fish Griwkowsky 

.-. Bhd So Melnadron lek me 
a Lape saying “Forget A” and 
\ havent seen im Since. eS 

Buk “gen ead skh\\ 
pursve him home... Ags 

iettil... | seriously intended 

ot itko the 

Any lest words , Criminal? 

sure Melwadron |; 

1S doing ywsk j 
Brose . el 




F-RAY by Fraser Tingle 

; er ' at iqared ik WaemY FT But the teil HPI Know. But 
What'cha doin? J] Tra weitag my Jats the only PE concluded in ,. Pad | Pores cme 
fanfiction sequel earth 7 maha oa 
soe Matrix Aeilogy: Fine eal understocd * Nee S on 
Ane Movies. s te ee 
Wi WY, 
ee = 
“ Sere : 

THE GATEWAY + volume XCVI number 46 é COMICS Ol 

EVERYDAY OSAMA by Chris O'Leary & Iris Tse 

Osama bin Laden, you've been captured, The war on 
terror is finally over. BTW: we won't bother with putting 
you on trial, Just come out of the cave with us, 



tm [Nee ( 
A\\ dn EY 
| seen cima 

Also, I've always hated 
those fucking trucker caps. ae 

Ha! Ashton Kutcher, you've 
been punk ... to death! 

MAN VS NATURE by Conal Pierse 



wes oO 

A ~ ¢ PEOPLE OF THIS CITY! IK TY @ es Sis = 
2 nt 


“the natural choice” 

_/ what the hell is Hey? PAY ATTENT: ony 

Doing 77 

Ghat do 7 Hint im Dorwa? 

You TOOK that 

from the 

: Memories 

jf reliving some 

of our : . : | of our 
mad-cap mad-cap 
adventures But this is the Still time for adventures 

first comic we've 

over the last 

memories... _ [over the last 

AND \TisNoT so Mucd 
Sceceiont MaWeceenD. ATHAT UT WAS Con. 
Em \ 

— c2evei | Gut MAYBE THEY NEED To 
. MORE--- 

4 y 



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